Example: My daughter had some friends over for a sleep-over and she was being very controlling about turning the light off, the music they played and who slept where. Her need to control, is a trigger for me and I began to try and get her to stop. I moved out of a “loving” state into a judgmental, critical state and then I wanted to control her. My tone turned stern and I told her to turn the light off and let the other girls choose the music. She resisted and sent me an angry stare, which just pushed me into telling her that if she wanted to have friends over, she had to let them have a turn also. This was all done, from my state of fear, which says to me that she won’t have any friends if she keeps treating them this way. So, I defended and justified my actions in the name of “caring”.
I went upstairs and a few minutes later she asked me to come down. She looked at me with a sad face and asks if she could come upstairs and sleep. I’m was about to say “no” when I took a deep breath and said, ” if you want to you can come up.” . She raced upstairs and hunkered down in the bed.
As I opened my heart and moved into a more loving state, I was able to move toward her and put my arm around her. As she took a breath, she started telling me how she had felt left out in the play with the girls. She tried to find her way but couldn’t and moved into a fear state.
She talked about going downstairs and messing up the game they were playing. She didn’t like them at that point and just wanted them to leave. In my loving state, I listened and told her I could see she was angry and also sad. I just laid there with her as she expressed her desire to lash out and not be friends with the girls. I told her that I was glad she knew to come to a safe place to be comforted and I was sorry that I hadn’t been a safe space for her earlier. She just laid there and let me hold her until she fell asleep. The next morning she arose, marched down stairs and continued the play with her friends with no hard feelings.
What I didn’t do was: Tell her she needed to be nicer. Try to get her to understand them. Use logic to explain why they did what they did. Teach her how to be with friends. (All of these came to my mind and yet I let my heart lead the way) I saw, heard and validated her.
Today we will be talking about what Joy-Based Parenting is. To do this we must fist define the word love in the context we will be using. We often think of love, for our child, as “caring” for them but in the dictionary care, the noun, is defined as “a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern” . Even though, we feel many of these things, in relation to our children, they all have more to do with the head than the heart. Love is not an emotion.
Unconditional love describes neutrality-the absence of judgments, censorship, desire and worry. This is why it is so critical, that we reference back to our own experience in relation to our child’s behavior. If I am feeling, judgmental, critical or worried in relation to my daughters behavior, she is going to feel the energy of these emotions and I know that I am not going to make a “loving” move toward her. I may get her to stop a behavior, that causes me discomfort, and yet the price I pay is her feeling controlled and misunderstood. This creates a fear response, in her, and a move away from me since I am not a safe emotional presence. Energetically, this is actually appropriate because she is reading the energy of my emotional state, which doesn’t attract her toward me but repels her away.
Even though I may defend and justify my actions, as caring, I am always left with a feeling that I just used “love” as a commodity, to get my daughter to do what I wanted her to do. My heart hurts, and then my own judgments and criticisms of myself take precedent. A vicious energetic cycle begins, and then “fear” pushes us both further from each other, while “love” is just a moment away for it always exist, even when the illusion of fear is present. Stepping into my love and therefore moving to a more neutral space, within myself, allows me to reach out again and open the door to my heart. Example tomorrow!
I woke up this morning to read Scott Noelle’s reflection that Every Day is Mother’s Day! Oh, how I wished I could have read that before I set myself and my daughter up for this infamous day.
All went beautifully, in the morning, as she greeted me with gifts and appreciation for being her mom. Ahhhh, I thought, boy this is different from last year. Maybe, I will get a day with her taking care of my needs! WARNING! WARNING! Why can’t I be ok with 10 minutes!
The day progresses and I think I am doing fine until she wants to watch a movie instead of spending time with me in the evening. Now, I’ve let her play with her friends all day. My “little mind” starts saying, “You’ve had all day, can’t I just have tonight to snuggle and be APPRECIATED”? I can feel that I am heading down the wrong track but I can’t seem to stop the train!
I take a breath, and decide to go take a bath! As I head of the stairs, I run into a roll of toilet paper covering the stairs, wadded up into a HUGE mass at the top of the stairs, and strewn all over the bedroom. I feel my anger rising and the next thing I hear coming out of my mouth, rather loudly, is “I’m not picking up toilet paper on Mother’s Day!” “This is MY day, and I need you to pick this up, at once”
She says, “I’ll take care of it mom”. I head into the tub and talk to myself the whole time. I tell myself that she can’t take care of my needs, I can. I am a good mom. I can love myself and take care of my needs. Ahhhh! The hot water takes me to my depths and I realize, that she can’t take care of my needs, but I can.
I walk out of the bath, calm and relaxed and she says to check my Email. Following message:
dear mom i was not thing right when i put the toilet paper down the stars.
i no that it is mothers day but i could not help it.
i love you as much as the wind loves the sky and the sky loves the
world and the world loves the universe and the universe loves
the planets.
mommoo
you are the best mom in the world.
Oh my, what was I thinking? Of course, toilet paper is fun! So, I tickled her silly, and acknowledged how I understood she couldn’t help it and guess what? I got all the snuggles and love I was looking for after all!
I awakened this morning to a beautiful poem written by my 9 year old daughter.
I love you when you give me ice cream cones
I love you
I love you like the wind loves the sky and the sky loves the world and the world the UNIVERSE
Whew! I think this is all there is to say!
What a week! I have never experienced this many calls from clients in crisis.
It has been amazing to see my own state of being holding steady and riding the storm of intense emotions floating around me. It is as if I have an anchor in the sea of despair and am holding steady with a loving force as the immense waves keep crashing in.
On Monday, I was on the phone from 7am till 7pm offering unconditional love and support to families in crisis. The main thing I work with is first attuning and joining with their emotional state. In the case of desperation, I allow myself to feel the desperation and make friends with it inside my own being. As I meet it and open to it I am able to attune to a greater love that can hold desperation and allow it to express itself without making a move toward the external.
As I do this, I am encouraging the other to meet me in this space and realize that they too can meet their desperation without playing it out. The challenge is to stay with the feeling without projecting or futurizing the feeling onto their child. Sitting with the discomfort and telling the truth about it.
When we are able to make friends with the feelings and take the power out of the external circumstance, the power returns to us and amazingly shifts back into love, its original state.
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