We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.
Jean-Paul Sartre

One of the greatest gifts I have given myself is to be mindful of when I am moving out of a state of love. When I am feeling stressed, I usually regress, and then find myself moving quickly out of a loving state. I can feel the movement in my body, then I can hear my thoughts shift and the biggest thing I notice is how I talk to my daughter. My tone begins to change, and I get very harsh and judgmental about her needs.

My needs begin to rise up, and in my mind they are much more important than hers. This is usually when I have not been attending to my own needs and then when she asks me, one to many times, for something WHAMO I am moving out of a state of love. I’ve learned when this happens, that I do have a choice, and even though sometimes I feel taken over by my fear, I can quickly work with myself to return to a state of love. First, I have to hear myself, take a moment and connect with my own pain instead of projecting it onto my daughter. Over time, it gets easier, and yet be gentle with yourself and try to see, when you move away from love, there is always a way back!

Everyday is a day to celebrate our Parenting journey! Learning to choose love over fear is a practice, which over time gets easier and easier. Even when I slip back to fear I am quickly reminded, by looking in my daughter’s sweet eyes, that I can always choose to return to love!

Even as I write this my daughter called me, on my cell phone, from upstairs to say she was coming down! Ahhh the joy of parenting!

• Children show us that “joy” is just a breath away. Slow down and enjoy, the most precious gift in the world, your child! #
• Today is the day to take another step toward yourself, knowing that you are the love you seek from your children! #
• As you awaken this morning, take that special moment to connect with your child. It only takes a moment and will last all day. #
• Unconditional love describes neutrality-the absence of judgments, censorship, desire and worry! Ask today, is this how I hold my child? #
• The more I open to love, the more it open to me! #
• Remember today all things are possible. Take a moment to see the beauty in your child’s eyes and you’ll see your own reflection. #

I work with struggling teens, and their parents at a company called Vive (www.vivenow.com). When a family enters, our program, the whole system is riddled with fear. Risky behaviors are involved which can activate deep fears in parents. Unfortunately, during these times, our children need us to be safe emotional containers more than ever. Working with our own fears around what their behaviors trigger in us is mandatory.

Fear-based example: Johnny, age 15, comes home one night and doesn’t even say Hello before he races up to his room. Mom is taken aback because Johnny has always touched in when arriving home. She knows something is a off so she goes upstairs and goes into Johnny’s room. He has his headphones on and doesn’t hear her. As she enters she smells something and immediately realizes that it is alcohol. In a flash, heat rises up in her body and fear takes over. The next thing you know, she is screaming at Johnny drilling him on where he has been and what he has been doing. He lies, which sets her off even more, and she grabs him, shaking him and telling him that he will be grounded for the next week. Johnny, screams at her, that he hates her and shoves her out the door slamming it in her face. Fear meets fear and all that happens is a HUGE explosion and a movement away from each other.

Love-based example: Johnny, age 15, comes home one night and doesn’t even say Hello before he races up to his room. Mom is taken aback because Johnny has always touched in when arriving home. She feels her heart racing and watches as her mind goes to all the negative possibilities. Before going up to check on Johnny, she takes the time to check all of her stories and takes a moment to calm. She remembers, that no matter what is going on, that the relationship with Johnny is the number one priority. She decides to give him some space until she is able to find her own curiosity and go up in a loving state.

Later, when she is feeling connected with her love, she goes up and knocks on Johnny’s door. He says, “go away”. She again, feels her hurt inside, and makes a move to stay connected with her love. She tells Johnny, through the door, that she loves him and was just checking on him. She tells him, that when he is ready, she would love to check in. She gives him the space and the energetic connection of love that let’s Johnny find his own way and know that mom is a safe place when he is ready to share.

When our children begin to experiment with risky behaviors it is critical, that we hold our own judgments and fears, not projecting them onto our children, so that we can support our children in finding their own way.

Love always exist even though it may be masqueraded by fear. The sun is always shining, even when there is a strong cloud cover in the sky. So is our love. Often we get lost in the clouds of our fear of being “bad” parents if we aren’t controlling our children’s behavior and therefore can’t slow down enough to find the love that is sitting right behind the clouds. Love-based parenting is about recognizing the state of fear that may be driving our behavior and taking the time to shift that state of being back to a state of love. When we do, we know how to move toward our children. There is no technique or magic intervention needed, for in that moment, we will drop all perceptions, based in fear, and then truly show up for ourselves which naturally extends to our children.

Only love is real!

Remember, we are all energetic beings and are always feeling the energetic quality of another persons interactions. When we are in a state of fear, our children will pick up on it and it will engage their fear. So, take a moment today to check in and ask yourself, am I reacting from fear or responding in love.

Example tomorrow!