Last night, we went for ice cream. It was late, and we were both tired, but got excited about getting a treat. When we got to the store, my daughter decided she wanted candy instead of ice cream and SNAP (see other post) I took a picture of my thought. I agreed to ice cream, not candy. Here we were in the store and I wasn’t willing to take another picture so I said no! She began to show strong feelings about not getting what she wanted and I looked at her and said, “sounds like you don’t want any ice cream, so let’s go.” I turned and started walking out the door, actually feeling quite at peace with my decision. Well, she went balistic and rightfully so. I had promised ice cream and now because I didn’t like her response I was leaving. Since I had drawn a line in the sand, there was no going back. Would I have done it different? Yes.
What I did do, was work with “what is” in myself and my daughter, without judgment or shame. I kept breathing as she was raging in the car. I heard it all, “I hate you, I’m never going to care about you again.” I’m going to hit you in the face when we get home.” She was irate. I amazingly enough, was able to stay present and hear her without defending or justifying my decision. I saw my mind, working overtime trying to “do the right thing” and yet as I continued to stay present, and drive, I felt available to such intense emotions.
I followed her lead. If I talked, she told me to shut up. If I shut up, she prodded me to talk. I truly entered the present moment and let all of my judgments of either of us go. It was powerful and kept going until we got home. As we entered the house, she was still raging and I began to go upstairs. She screamed, “Mommy, stay here with me, I want to play a game with you.” So the next thing I know we are playing Connect 4 and having a blast. We are laughing, she is cuddling and our connection had deepened to a place of peace and calm. Through embracing what is, in both of us, instead of judging the decision I made as bad or wrong, we both found our way back to joy!
Last night, as I was falling asleep, I had an image of taking a picture of a thought! It was as if, I had a thought, and then took the picture which gave the thought form. Then I imagined putting that picture on my “life” board and began to live it out as if it were real. Each time I had a thought, I imagined taking the picture and deciding what to do with it. Did I want to add it to my board or tear it up. After all they are just pictures.
When our children are experiencing intense emotional states they can often trigger us and before we know it our anchor of calm and connection has been ripped out of the ocean. When this happens we begin riding the same intense wave as our child and in our panic look to them to help us. We try our hardest to get them to STOP expressing their intense feelings through punishment, consequencing and control and yet they are in the middle of an intense wave and can’t be the anchor we need in that moment. They need our anchor to hold strong so they can experience the wave and know that it is just a feeling and if they ride it they will come out the other side. If we hold our strong anchor of love and support they will even learn to ride the waves with joy, for surfing can be fun when you know how.
Being a single parent, I get overwhelmed with all the things my daughter leaves around the house. I am always picking up something that shouldn’t be there. One of my biggest irritants are those long clear, tube popcicle wrappers. Of course, I buy boxes of them in the summer and leave them in the freezer for all the neighborhood kids. They love them and yet I get a little crazy when I find those wrappers all over my house.
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