Monthly Archive: January 2010

Joy Based Parenting: What do I know?

1208354_91362232Parents often ask me if I can promise them their children will turn out ok if they choose to parent the Purejoy way. I can honestly look at them and say, I have no idea. All I know is I can never know how my
daughter will turn out. If only I had that crystal ball. What I do know is when I stay present and keep from projecting all my fears of the future onto her, I relax and enjoy seeing her discover her own way. And honestly, I am always astounded by what appears before my eyes.

I chose not to teach my daughter about saving or spending money. I knew I had enough baggage of my own so I didn’t want to project onto her how I did money. So, what happened is the minute she got any money in her pocket we were headed to Target. Even though I was chomping at the bit to teach her about “how to spend her money” I kept my mouth shut. I
continued to work with my internal stories, which were demanding I teach her about money, and went for the ride curious to see how she internalized her own experience.

For Christmas she asked for gift cards from all her relatives. Some were from Target so I figured we would be heading down their the next day. Well, lo and behold, to my great surprise, she told me she wanted to save them. Believe it or not, we went to Target four times and she never spent a penny. She walked around the store checking out all the prices and making the decision to “hold onto her money”. I was truly in awe watching her make her
own choices and learning about money. I didn’t need to say a word…. All I could think is, “what do I know?”

Practice: When you want to “teach” your child about something see if you can get curious and see what they already know. Open your heart and your mind to a “don’t know” attitude and see if you can find out something you didn’t know about your child.

Joy Based Parenting: Trying too Hard

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When I adopted my daughter 9 years ago, I promised to be the BEST parent I could be. Honestly, I was afraid to be a mom, so I waited until my forties to adopt. Even though I love children, I was always afraid I might not be able to be the mom I always dreamed I could be.

So, I began the journey of the “try too hard” mom. I rarely found myself relaxing and enjoying the time with my daughter because I was always “trying” to do the right thing, feed her the best food, give her the greatest care… I was so far ahead of myself, I rarely slowed down and just sat on the floor with her.

When I finally slowed down and looked myself in the eye, I was able to see I didn’t need to be perfect. She didn’t care! She didn’t see the messes I saw or thank me for making sure she ate right. She just loved my hugs and kisses and jumping into my arms whenever she saw me. As I took the time, to love myself, for who I am not all I was doing, our relationship
grew and our hearts opened. Today, we cleaned the house together, playing and loving being together.

Practice: Today, instead of focusing on all you haven’t done, take a moment to look in your child’s eyes and see the love pouring toward you. Try letting go of one task and dedicate that time to sitting down on the floor and making a “little” mess! See how it feels!

Joy Based Parenting: Sacred Work

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Seeing all manifestations of our child’s expressions as sacred is being willing to own all of our expressions as sacred. Seeing where I want to reject my daughter’s emotional expressions clearly shows me where I shut down on my own. In trying to control her outburst, in the name of teaching her how to behave,I’m able to get a clearer vision of how I shut myself down.

Opening to the beauty and wisdom of all expressions instead of labeling them as good or bad allows me to just be with what is. As soon as I judge an expression as something I like or don’t
like, I have left the clear moment of the present and who I truly am.

Entering into the past, I limit my capacity to show up for my daughter and to hear what is going on for her. Slowing down and allowing myself to embrace the discomfort I feel inside, instead
of controlling her behavior, so I don’t have to work with my pain, teaches her to control her own expression to take care of me. Not what I’m wanting to teach my sweet child.

Practice: Today, become aware of what happens in your internal state when you perceive your child acting out in a so called “negative” way. Watch how you contract around their form of expression and notice how you are actually shutting down on yourself.