My friend Greg, did an energy audit on my home. He went around checking to see where there were energy leaks and offered me solutions to use the energy wisely. A home that runs efficiently is a happy home!

Later he and I were talking and began looking at the energy leaks we both experience while parenting. We leak out our anger, our intolerance, our judgments and most of all our need to control.

Instead of conserving our energy and focusing on efficiently using our emotional energy to facilitate connection we found lots of leaks caused by worry, guilt and shame. When this happens our back-up power kicks in trying to control our kids as if this will stop the leaks.

The truth is, these leaks are not caused by our children. They are inside us and we are responsible for attending to them. Learning to be aware of old beliefs, false perceptions and distorted thinking, which cause leaks, allows us to start attending to them creating a more sustainable relationship.

Practice: Take an energy audit to see how much energy you spend trying to control your child vs connecting with them. Every time you react instead of respond to your child, notice how you leaked out your vital energy. Practice re-setting each time you notice.

I will get you to listen to me…..NO!

I will get you to eat your greens….NO!

Any of these sound familiar?
Can you see a pattern here?
The more willful I get the more I
engage my daughter’s willfulness
and the battle begins.

The battlefield can be any of the above issues and once the gauntlet has been laid down there is no going back. Who will win this artful game of wills? Ahhh, yes, it does become about winning or losing doesn’t it? Now as the parent, isn’t it my sole duty to win and let her know who is boss? Won’t she take advantage of me and disrespect me if I let her win? On and on the rationalizations guide me toward the path of control. And yet, what if it really isn’t about winning or losing? Or maybe it is about both? Is there room for her will and my will? Ahhhh, what happens when I relax my personal willfulness and open to a greater guidance? Hmmmmmm…..Seems she opens
to…….could this be so?

Softening to my need to be in charge and forcing my agenda allows me to make space for my daughter’s agenda. When this happens, miraculously we end up with an all together different agenda, connection. Through this connection we have a way of accepting and loving each other in a profound way. I then become a support, for my daughter, guiding her to care for her being, respect herself and know in the deepest core of her heart that she is lovable. Isn’t this what I truly signed up for?

Practice: Today become aware when you are in a battle of wills with your child. Notice how you get tight in your body, hard in your voice and determined to win. See if you can take a breath and soften your position knowing the point isn’t to win or lose but to connect with your child in a joyful way. Explore what happens and see if you can find a greater willingness to make connection your priority.

When we finally realize no changes, not even changes in ourselves will make us happy we begin to be with “what is” and show up in the present moment with our child.

When resisting “what is” we step into judging “what is” convincing ourselves we need it to change.

Imagine seeing all of your child’s expressions as sacred. Only our judgment of their behavior, in the moment, mask the truth and convince us THEY need to change!

With only ONE judgment, we move from being an unconditionally loving presence to a conditional one.

Today: Notice when your child’s behavior causes you discomfort and instead of controlling their behavior, see if you can name the judgment, in you, that is creating the discomfort putting a barrier between your heart and your child.