Yesterday, my daughter, asked me to get something for her I didn’t want to get. What I found myself doing, instead of just saying no, was telling her, “I’m not the servant around here,” or “I just did so and so for you a minute ago.” I kept defending my “no” by making her feel bad about asking. Arrgg!

I knew, in my heart of hearts, something didn’t feel good but I couldn’t put my finger on it until later in the day. She was about to ask me for a glass of water (I was standing right by the cooler) and she stopped herself saying, “no, never mind, that might be too much for you.” I was standing right there! In an instant, the flash came, that she had been getting the message to monitor her desires because she didn’t want to hear me call her an Empress one more time.

As a parent coach, I coach parents to support their child’s desires. I recommend, even when saying no to a request, they still tell their child, good for you for asking. Because the truth is, you never know who might say yes. Also, if you learn to stuff down those desires, you learn to get your needs met through manipulation. I want my daughter to know her desires can and will be met, just not always by me.

Here I was going against my good coaching advice. I love when that happens because it gives me tons of compassion and authenticity when sharing with other moms and dads. We are all in this together, yes?

Practice: When your child ask you for something, see if you can just say yes or no without making them wrong for asking. Practice asking yourself, and see if you can be as loving when you hear no as you are to yes.

From the first moment our child gazes into our eyes, she/he connects us with love. They depend on seeing the loving look in our eyes to feed their souls. When we focus on seeing them through the lens of judgment or fear they begin to see this inside themselves.

I was suggesting a new dance class to my daughter. She is anxious about starting new classes so in response she gave me her big NO WAY! I dropped it, knowing pushing her would send her the other way, but later in the day she told me to come look at a video she had found on break dancing. I could sense a “light” awakening in her and a spark of curiosity arising. When I suggested we go watch a break dancing class she immediately got angry and said NO! I quickly saw the light in my eyes turn dark and focused on her always saying NO instead of focusing on the light I’d seen a few moments before.

When I was able to soften, telling her I could see she was nervous at the thought of starting something new, she grew curious. I told her how I knew when she got mad at me, about my suggestions, she was just scared. I shared with her how I’m the same way. We both softened, at that point, and agreed to just go watch a class. Focusing on engaging the light instead of focusing on the judgment brought light to both our eyes.

Practice: Today, see if you can be aware when you are seeing through your lens of love. Also, be aware when you are seeing, your child, through the lens of judgment or fear. Remember, whatever lens you are seeing them through is the lens you are seeing yourself. Practice seeing the light in your own eyes.

I love when Spring is right around the corner. In Colorado we jump from 60 degrees days to the next waking to snow and rain. It’s an amazingly volatile time when I get to experience my tendency of wanting things to stay the same. Today was a sunny, warm beautiful day. Tonight the snow is coming in. I can feel my resistance to the huge shifts, which are all part of Spring, in our neck of the woods.

Seeing how I resist the swings, made me think about how I often resist my daughter’s emotional swings. When she is in a good place and in her sunny disposition, I relax and act as if this weather is going to stay forever. I’m always caught, a bit off guard, when she shifts into a moody state in a moments notice. I see how I resist and keep trying to encourage her to return to a lighter place. Just like I do the weather.

Learning to embrace the fluctuations of the season teaches me to see my daughter’s emotional states as temporary. This allows me to stay in the moment, flowing with the shifts, knowing the sun will soon shine again.

Practice: As the Spring season comes upon us, notice how the weather has its own patterns and no matter how you may want them to change, they just are. It’s not personal. Then begin to see how your child’s emotional states have their own patterns and as long as you don’t take them personally you can enjoy the ride.

When we are centered and seeing clearly we are neutral, in our response, to our child’s behavior. When we are having a strong reaction, either positive or negative we have swung to one pole or another.

Think about sitting in a swing and getting ready to push off. You push yourself back, letting go, and up in the air you go. As you swing up high one way, you quickly swing to the other side. You don’t swing forward and then stop the swing in the center, only swinging to one side. This would be experiencing only one side of the ride.

With our child’s behavior we often do just this. We swing to one side and stay there. If we see our child’s behavior as negative, we will only see the challenge aspect of their behavior. If we see it as positive, we’ll only see the support side. Fixating on one side or the other is only one side of the story.

Practice: Today when you notice a behavior you judge as inappropriate or negative see if you can also swing to the other side and see the appropriate nature from the perspective of your child.

It is amazing to watch my daughter learn new things. She is open and willing to sit in a place of “not knowing.” She inspires me to remember that parenting is not something we were consciously taught to do. We learned how to do it by being parented by our parents. Monkey see, monkey do.

If we are going to enjoy our parenting, we must be willing to look at any and all rigid beliefs we hold around doing it right or wrong. In my humble opinion, opening to learning a new way of being is what parenting is all about. Everyday I get to face into places where I still won’t accept “what is”. Everyday I have the opportunity to see life from a fresh new perspective. Everyday, my daughter awakens ready to learn new things. So can I.

Practice: Today, keep seeing your role of parent with new eyes. Remember, you are always learning, so give yourself space to make mistakes, even as a parent. Open to beginners mind and see what you learn.

Everyday, I seem to have a moment of awe witnessing my daughter as she grows and comes into her own.

Cleaning her room has never been high on her list, so over time it became a junk pile. Anything I would find around the house, I would just throw in and shut the door. Slowly, she began to take over my bedroom instead of facing into hers.

Last weekend I spent 2 days, cleaning, organizing and giving away 3 bags of goodies. Whew! I was exhausted and yet in the end we were both excited to see the space. For the first time, she entered her space aware of all the possibilities. She was ready to make it her own.

She spent the next weekend organizing and creating a magical world. Even as I write this she is in there hanging sheets, creating new entrances and delighting in making the space all about her.

Practice: Really take the time to see where your child is in their readiness instead of projecting your timing onto them. Patience is truly a virtue in allowing our children to leap when they are ready.

In our parenting group, this morning, we explored how each of us have certain issues which trigger our anxiety. When this happens, we perceive our child’s behavior as the cause of this anxiety and have a need to control the behavior to relieve the panic inside.

Even though this may work, for the moment, the price we pay is huge. We blame our children, needing them to shift instead of looking inside to manage our anxiety.

If we have an issue around cleanliness and our child is messy, this can cause anxiety. Instead of working with our internal state, we think getting our child to clean up will stop the anxiety. Instead of connecting with our child and guiding them we use our relationship to control them. They don’t learn intrinsic motivation to clean, they learn to do it so they won’t get in trouble. Yuk!

Practice: Notice when you are feeling anxious in regard to a triggering behavior. See if you can name what is going on inside instead of trying to stop the behavior. Naming it is an authentic response instead of a controlling one.