Monthly Archive: April 2010

My Agenda

April 25th, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 2 Comments

This week I’ve noticed, when having an agenda, my daughter, simply refuses to engage. Today, coming in from the grocery, I asked her to unload one of the bags. I’d taken her to lunch, bought her a sweet treat and driven her to a friend’s house so I thought asking her to unload one little bag would be a piece of cake. Well, the truth is, I felt like she owed me this one small little favor since I’d given so much earlier. Ahhhh…the agenda reveals itself.

Now you might be thinking, hey Leslie, you are just teaching her how to help out at home….or maybe you are thinking she is going to get the wrong message if I don’t require her to help out. And if you are, all of these thoughts run through my head as she growls and says she won’t unload the bag. I take a deep breath and try my big voice saying, “Meili, it is just one bag and I want you to unload it now.” Growling she starts emptying the bag but slams the goods on the table refusing to put them in the fridge.

I feel intense heat rising in my body, as I engage my trigger, seeing clearly my words are not producing the results I desire. I know, in my heart, what I’m about to say is NOT what I want to say but before I can stop out spews. “Alright then, I guess I won’t be taking you to lunch or getting you a treat anymore.” As those ugly words come tumbling out of my mouth, the dreaded blackmail move engages. As I look at my precious daughter I know this is NOT how I want to teach her to get support. Remembering, I’m the role model, I take a deep breath saying, “wow, what just came out of my mouth, isn’t what I really wanted to say.” What I wanted to say is, “I love you and I see you are in a big hurry to get out the door to your friends.” And the moment I open into a receptive place, including her agenda in the space, she looks at me and says, “I’m happy to help you, mom.” Ah, can it really be this easy? Only when I remember to stay open, taking responsibility for my agendas, knowing she is not here to serve them.

Practice: Become aware when you meet resistance in your child. When you do, ask yourself if your agenda is playing out, determined to defend and justify its position. See if you are willing to drop your agenda, open to receiving your child and then see what happens. Let me know what you find out!

Ms. Purejoy aka Leslie

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Seeing Clearly

April 17th, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice No comments

My daughter just learned to braid her hair. Yesterday she was able to do it, to her liking, and was very proud of herself. This morning she woke up, trying to repeat the braid and wasn’t able to do it. In her frustration, she yelled at me, to come help her. I was in the bath, so couldn’t come right away, which frustrated her even more. At that point, nothing I could do was right. It was all my fault that her hair wouldn’t cooperate. She came stomping into the bathroom, seemingly angry with me and when I offered to help she got even angrier.

Sometimes when this happens, I get triggered and get mad at her for being mad at me. I’m just the innocent mom, taking a bath…Right? When this happens I end up making it her fault and miss the whole point of her need. Today, without getting triggered, I was able to ask her why she was so frustrated. Instead of adding to her distress, I could support her and actually step in offering a helping hand. When I’m not triggered, seeing clearly that her frustration is not about me, I can help her see clearly. This gives her support to work through her frustration in a positive way.

Practice: When your child is frustrated and turns it toward you, try pausing before you respond. Remember, even though she may be aiming the frustration toward you, its not about you. See if you can stay centered, opening to her expression instead of controlling it. If you can stay open, she can find her way through with your support.

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Joy Based Parenting: Sitting in the Fire

April 13th, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice No comments

When my daughter exhibits a behavior, which causes me discomfort, I often contract in fear. When this happens I box myself in and instead of reaching out to support my daughter, in that moment, I can only think about myself. My attention turns inward and I see her as the enemy. I’m sure she is causing my pain and from this vantage point I want to control her so I can return to a calm centered state. Instead of taking responsibility, for working with my discomfort, I act under the false assumption that she is causing my pain and therefore she can fix it.

Taking the time to work with my discomfort teaches my daughter how to work with hers when it arises. When feeling the discomfort I’ve learned to pause and tell the truth about what is really going on instead of blaming her. I tell her she doesn’t cause my anger so she can’t fix it and I’m going to sit down and work with it. Taking the time to pause, allows me to find the need driving the anger and to take care of this need instead of asking my daughter to. I’ve learned to take the power out of the external, being the cause of my emotional well being, and return that power inside where it belongs. She gets to see me taking responsibility for my feelings and therefore learns to do the same. It is a win/win situation.

Practice: Begin to notice when discomfort arises in relation to your child’s behavior. Instead of controlling the behavior, take a moment to pause asking yourself what you need. When you are able to hear yourself, you have a chance to attend to the need instead of asking your child to.

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Joy Based Parenting: Validation

April 2nd, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice No comments

Today, I found myself picking up one of my favorite books, The Journey by Arnold Patent. I opened to the page on Self-Validation. “Self-validation means accepting, appreciating and loving myself unconditionally as whole and complete just the way I am. The signal that I have not reached that place is when I look for someone or something for validation.”

This made me contemplate on how often I seek validation from my daughter. When I’m feeling down on myself and wanting to know I’m a good mom, I look to her for validation. Of course, when I’m in that space, she validates the false belief I’m viewing myself through. I’m unworthy. When I believe this is true, I look outside to confirm this belief. My daughter, does a great service by shining the light on this false belief.

When I’m able to accept and appreciate myself, I don’t ask my daughter to do it for me. When I’m in this space, I’m able to be available to her and all her expressions, knowing she is finding her way to acceptance of herself. When she feels my deep appreciation, for who she is, not for how she acts, she can see herself as whole and complete just the way she is.

Practice: Begin to notice when you are seeking your child’s acceptance and validation for being a good parent. See how critical and demanding you get when you need to hear from them how important you are. When you notice, take a moment, sit with yourself, and acknowledge how important you are to you.