Monthly Archive: May 2010

Stress

May 15th, 2010 Parenting Advice 5 Comments

Often when I work with parents, they want me to help them control their child’s negative behaviors. Their focus is on learning methods for “fixing” the behaviors that they don’t like and see as socially unacceptable. We’ve all been there.

When helping parents see through a new lens, I often ask them “When you have had a bad day at work, are hungry and tired and had a fight with your spouse, are you “pretty”?” Most of them look at me, laughing and say, “no way”. I then look at them and say, “But you expect your 4-year-old to?” This will often bring it home how silly it is to expect our children to be able to control their behavior when we adults, when stressed, have a hard time controlling ours. I take it one step further and ask them what it would be like if their spouse put them in a time out for acting out. Again they laugh and look at me like I’m kidding. Then I often see the light bulb go off in their head and their realization about how absurd it is to control behavior. A new door opens. Parents begin to understand that their child’s so called “negative” behavior may be communicating something important and if they can hear this message they may be able to support their child instead of trying to control them.

Parents begin to notice that when their child is relaxed with a sense of well being, the child exhibits all the behaviors the parent sees as positive. When parents see that the positive is usually 90% of the time, they understand that the 10% of the time their child is acting out is due to the child’s stress. Attending to the child’s discomfort instead of controlling the behavior teaches the child that they can get support when they need to calm themselves and return to a regulated loving place.

Practice: In your life, watch when you are under stress. Notice your thoughts, your body posture and how you react to others. When recognizing this, see if you can stop and resource yourself, taking care of your needs before connecting with your child. Be the role model for dealing with stress and you’ll see your children follow right along.

Relaxing

May 2nd, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice, Single Parenting No comments

I never would have thought the best parenting I’ve done could be seen, by some parenting experts, as the worst. Whew, does that make sense at all? I continue to notice situations where I’ve had the least agenda is where my daughter is thriving.

An example is bed time. My daughter has never been given a bed time. (This was my parenting no no) Being a single mom, I found, on most nights, by 8pm I was toast. So, instead of setting a designated bedtime, for my daughter, we would both start heading upstairs around 7pm. She never questioned this movement because we were doing it together. We would begin, our routine, together and from 7pm to 8pm was our sweet cuddle time. Bed time was always a seamless event in our home. We went down together, and if I needed to get back up later, I would.

What I witness, now at 10 years old, is her being able to regulate bedtime knowing when to go down and when to arise. She doesn’t need me, as an external force, to guide her. It’s actually amazing to watch. Now remember, I had NOTHING to do with this as far as being the external dictate. I was tired and needed to go down. This is what I mean as being an accident and not a conscious decision to parent in this way. I was just relaxed and followed my own internal rhythm, which she picked up on, and the relationship became the primary connection, not getting to bed on time.

The more I relax, focusing on our connection rather than parenting the “right” way, she flourishes showing me the true nature of parenting: pure joy…..

Practice: Begin to notice, in your parenting, the areas where you have very little agenda about how things are done. See, if in these areas, your child is relaxed and able to take on their own agenda, showing you the way.

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