||Announcing: Purejoy Foundations 3 week class.
When: Thursday Jan. 17,24 and 31st at 12:30pm MT
||Announcing: Purejoy Foundations 3 week class.
When: Thursday Jan. 17,24 and 31st at 12:30pm MT
Below is the recording of the Emotional Safety teleseminar that myself and Genevieve at www.peaceful-parent.com ran yesterday.
Thank you for registering for the call. We hope you gain some insights, reminders and more tools that bring more harmony to your days.
There are a couple of pages on Genevieve’s website that may be helpful to you as you continue to foster emotional safety in your home;
The Basic Emotional Needs Checklist can help parents identify what might be missing and what’s needed for their child when their child is out of balance. there may well be small steps you can take towards meeting those needs today.
Feelings and Needs Chart gives some pointers that can be a quick reminder of some of the feelings that may be driving certain behaviors and furthermore some of the possible unmet needs that need to gain attention before the child can begin to feel better, hence act better. This can also be useful in helping a parent to re-frame a challenging situation when the parent becomes emotionally charged and has the urge to choose actions that escalate a situation.
Listen in to a recorded call given by Genevieve at www.peacful-parent.com and Leslie with Purejoy.
So many times I hear parents say, “I can’t do this anymore.” They feel like they are at the end of their rope and they are always talking about what they are doing with their child. The problem is they still think the child needs to change and not them.
When I hear this phrase I ask them “When she does that what do you do?” This is the true question. When she does that I do this! When parents can name what they are doing in reaction to their child then the true work begins.
The only thing you have to focus on is what you are doing not what your child is doing. You truly have the power to not do what is causing you suffering. You don’t have the power to change someone else so you don’t have to do what you are doing.
This is always an empowering step when parents truly realize they CAN stop doing what they are doing. This is where the power lies and as they become honest with themselves and begin shifting their behavior miracles happen.
So, when you hear yourself say, “I can’t do this anymore” take heart and listen to yourself. STOP what you are doing to cause your suffering. When you return to joy your child will follow!
Families often ask me if they parent this way how will it turn out? Will their child be responsible, loving, kind and hard working? Will they learn the difference between right and wrong? Will they get into a good college? Most of these questions are based on future fears.
Of course we all want our children to be healthy and happy. What we sometimes have trouble seeing is our conditioning, which tells us what has to happen to ensure this taking place. We often forget that the main ingredient for creating a healthy, happy individual is the capacity to self-regulate our emotions and be resilient in the face of challenges. How does this happen?
Creating a safe emotional environment for your children to process all emotions that arise is critical. We are conditioned to think negative emotions are somehow less desirable than positive ones so when our children express their discomfort it often triggers ours. If we weren’t raised in a home where all emotions were seen and heard we are more likely to shut down our child’s emotions that cause discomfort in us.
When we begin to trust that creating this environment for our children is even more important than controlling their behavior we begin to relax. In the relaxation we are able to actually see the truth of what our children are expressing.
Instead of thinking they are trying to manipulate or control us we begin to see a child who is communicating their needs to us in the only way they know how. They express through their behavior. It is our job to interpret the communication and attend to the need instead of controlling the behavior. To do this we must understand ourselves while becoming a safe person for our child.
So, the question remains. How will they turn out? The truth is I don’t know and when I let go of the future and return to the present, loving and listening to my child no matter what, I rest in the knowing that in this moment she is OK and so am I.
I find it extremely challenging to trust that my daughter will do the “right” thing if I don’t constantly remind her or hold her to my standard. So, as a parent, I made a choice not to take over my daughter’s business and trust that she will do the “right” thing for her. It hasn’t been easy to sit with my discomfort when she says “no” to a request from a friend. What I have found is that she does have her own internal knowing and when I get out of the way she has a chance to own her decisions.
She babysits for a little girl in our neighborhood every Wednesday morning. This little girl adores my daughter and looks forward to their time together. Two weeks ago my daughter had an opportunity to spend the day with an adult friend of mine instead of babysitting. She easily called the little girl and told her she wouldn’t be able to watch her. The little girl was sad and wanted to know why? My daughter explained but still decided to go with my friend.
Part of me wanted to hold her to her responsibility and yet I left the decision up to her. It was challenging since I know the mother of the little girl and wanted to take care of her. (my old care taking mode cropping up) I held my ground and let my daughter take care of herself.
This week the same situation arose. As she contemplated the day she all of a sudden said, “Oh, I’m supposed to watch M on Wednesday. I’ll just have to let her know I can’t.” I told her she needed to call M and let her know. I thought this was the end of it until a few minutes later she comes down and tells me she is going to my friends tonight and tomorrow. I ask her why the change? She says, “M really likes when I come to babysit her and I don’t want to disappoint her again.” Well, lordy be. She does know! I had nothing to do with this whole encounter.
Learning to trust that your child will find their way can be one of the hardest aspects of parenting. I promise you it is the BEST part when you can relax, honor their truth and know that they will do the “right” thing for them.
“Anything that bothers you is only a problem within. Only you can experience it and only you can correct it“ Wayne Dyer
Embracing a new way of parenting can seem daunting when it comes to implementing the shifts int0 real-time parenting. With the dawn of Facebook there is more inspiration and guidance available on a daily basis.
Anytime during the day I can click on a page and read something that resonates deeply with how I want to parent, how I want to treat my daughter and how I want to treat myself. Putting the knowledge into practice is where the rubber meets the road.
I have been a seeker as long as I can remember. Always seeking knowledge, spiritual guidance, therapy and anything inspirational to support me in looking at my blind sides, awaken to my beauty and be all that I am.
When I sit in front of a teacher or a therapist I am open and willing to see my conditioning and take responsibility for what I have created. This is why I go. I pay money and feel tremendous gratitude to those who support me in uncovering my beliefs that aren’t serving my higher good.
The question I ask myself and you is then why are we not bowing down to our children for they are showing us our triggers daily. Instead of saying thank you and looking at our part we have the tendency to get angry with them, shame or blame them for causing our pain, instead of highlighting it, and will do just about anything to move away from the discomfort as it arises.
It is easy to sit in front of the guru asking to see any obstacles that keep us from awakening. I doubt any of us would send the guru to his room or yell at him for showing us a part of ourselves that we knew was obstructing love. And yet, we do this with our children in the name of teaching them a lesson or thinking we know what is best for them. This is conditioning not who we are.
Walking the talk means really seeing our children as the guru. They arrive innocent and pure, open and willing to reflect love. They aren’t manipulating, conniving or out to make us mad. They have needs and when they conflict with our needs this is when it is time to go inside. The feelings are within you. The problem is within you and only you can walk the talk in this moment.
Instead of trying to get our kids to walk the talk, we must slow down and take the time to go within. We must question the conditioning we have learned and truly meet ourselves in love instead of trying to control our children so we feel loved. I’m not saying it is easy! I’m saying it is time to up the ante and stop looking outside for the guru in hopes that once we are whole we will be the loving parents we are. Practice in your own home.
It’s time to meet the guru…..you live with her!
“Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us.” Pema Chodron
We feel seen and heard in the arms of connection. One of my clients expressed it so beautifully when he said, “I just want my dad to connect with my heart instead of my head.”
Over and over this young man feels missed and doesn’t know how to find that connection inside. Whenever he brings up deep emotional issues he feels his dad moves into a controlling posture and all the young man hears is that he is not good enough and must try harder.
Have you ever been there? I know I have. So, the question is how do we connect in the middle of a behavior that begs for control?
First, we must sit with our internal discomfort that arises when a certain behavior triggers a story in us. Instead of acting on the discomfort and controlling the behavior we must connect with our story that is driving the discomfort.
Then we must ask is it true? Most of our stories are ones we learned from our upbringing and are often based on the notion that we must control behavior or our children will be out of control and we will be looked on as “bad” parents. When we connect with this story we are driven to control our child.
What we miss is the connection with our child and their needs in that moment. We must ask ourselves what is going on in this moment and how can I connect with my child’s discomfort and support them in feeling safe and loved?
Instead we often take care of our own discomfort by thinking the child is causing it and then controlling them so they can fix our pain.
What this teaches our child is that they are responsible for our pain and now they need to fix it.
I’ve worked with tons of parents and this is NEVER the message they want to give their children and yet unless they question their story and move toward connection in the moment, they inadvertently do just this.
When you are committed to working with your discomfort, calming yourself and being willing to ignore behavior and move toward connection this is when the miracles happen.
When you are triggered: If the behavior is not dangerous IMMEDIATELY move to a safe space (I head toward the couch). Sit yourself down and spend 90 seconds breathing and being with the feelings that are arising. See if you are willing to hear the story without acting it out with your child. Put your hand on your heart and soothe you returning to a place of connection and peace. Let your child off the hook (if the behavior is dangerous make sure your child is safe). Take the time to comfort yourself knowing if you do you will be able to show up for your child and their needs.
Remember this is a practice and over time it gets easier and easier.