What to Say?

September 11th, 2011 Parenting Advice 1 Comment

Every weekend I sit down to write a post for my blog.  During the week there always seems to be a story or an experience to share.  So, I’ve been surprised that each time I sat down, during the last month, nothing came.  Nothing to say!  Hmmmmm!  Curiosity awakens as this new experience unfolds.

As I sit, I realize that I usually talk about my struggles and how I work with myself in relation to my discomfort in parenting.  Truth be told over the last month there has been very little struggle and lots of connection and joy in both me and my daughter.  Funny how this hasn’t seemed as interesting to write.

This week, while talking to a friend, she asked, “why don’t you share this side?”  I immediately thought no one would be interested.  They just want to hear about the struggle.  Well, this caught me by surprise because I call my work Purejoy!  Clearly, I’ve been more interested in the struggle and have a hard time finding words for the ease and joy I have been experiencing as a parent.

I know the story of “struggle” by heart and have identified myself as someone who always rises above but the cost of fighting has taken its toll.  Sitting in the quiet relaxed field of “being” has awakened a tenderness I must have hidden as a child.  Even as I write this I find myself weeping, with joy, at the gift I have received this last month.  My heart has opened and the struggle abated and I find joy and laughter filling our home.

So, here I am writing about joy!  I found my way and I know you can too.  Loving yourself in all your fullness, light and dark, will take you home.

1 Comment

  1. Alex | Perfecting Dad
    Posted September 12, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Funny, I thought from all your facebook posts that you were in a joyful state of being. Actually, I guess I was right :) Congratulations.

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How to Cure the Silent Treatment

August 6th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 6 Comments

I was talking with my daughter about a mom who was frustrated with her son for not helping more around the house.  I asked her what she thought was going on in that situation.  My daughter is 11 and very aware.  Here is her take on the situation.  She thought the kid was probably feeling the parents disappointment and when he felt the intensity he had to take care of himself so would probably move into the silent treatment. Wow!

Now this activated my curiosity and I said, “Hey, I need to write a new blog post and I’d love to hear your perspective.  Parents are very curious as to what is really going on inside and you might help some kids by giving us the inside story.  I asked her the following questions and here were her answers.

What causes the silent treatment?  The kid being mad at the parent

Usually what are they mad about?  The parent wants the kid to do what they want them to do

What do you think the silent treatment will do?  Keep the kid from having to answer questions they don’t want to answer or take care of the parent

Cure for the silent Treatment:

Be light and start laughing.   The kid starts laughing and it cures the silent treatment.

Now the cure surprised me because when she moves into the silent treatment the last thing I want to do is be light.  I kick into a belief that I’ve done something wrong and now I’m being rejected.  Yep!  It becomes all about me again!  So, the answer for me is to relax more, lighten up, when I feel stressed, and laugh a lot more!

I’m excited for the instruction!

6 Comments

  1. Heather
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 10:39 am

    I have found, and have to try to remember, that indeed being light-hearted and happy is USUALLY the way to break through the grumps. The exception, occasionally a child will feel that if you’re laughing when they’re angry and grumpy, then you’re laughing AT them, that you don’t care that they’re upset. This depends on the personality of the child and on what caused the grumps in the first place… usually the light-hearted approach works just fine.

    What I still haven’t figured out, is how DO you get them to help out more around the house without resorting to manipulation/bribery/outright begging????

    • Leslie
      Posted August 6, 2011 at 10:51 am

      Heather,

      I read your comment to my daughter and she agreed about the danger of a child feeling laughed at. She said it all depended on if the parent was really able to move into a light place not just use laughter as a technique to shift the child’s feelings.

      Now on the how do you get them to help out she said, “If I don’t feel forced I’m willing to help out.” My experience is that when I have an agenda, think she should help out or am feeling overwhelmed and expect her to take care of my overwhelm she feels pushed. I find she is saying “No” to the force not to the actual helping out. It is tricky to take responsibility for my agenda but when I’m able to I find she is willing. Today, she brought the grocery bag into the house and unloaded it before I got in the house. I had no agenda for this so was truly grateful. On another day I could have an expectation that she would do this and she would refuse and then it wouldn’t be about helping it would be about a whole other story!

  2. Dave Higgs-Vis @ Folkabout Baby
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    The silly treatment can definitely work wonders!

    I just put up a post talking about the power of humour to help your child recover from crying, and I’m certain it would work just as well with the silent treatment. Gonna have to remember that one for later :) .

    • Leslie
      Posted August 6, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      Look forward to reading your post!

  3. Olivia
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Love this! Love ya! Thanks to you and your daughter because these are great reminders for me…

  4. Leslie
    Posted August 6, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Sending love back atcha!

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What Now?

July 19th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

Have you read countless parenting books on how to GET your child to behave.  Have you been taught how to control her, how to manipulate her to do what you think is best all in the name of being a good parent.  She needs limits, she needs boundaries, she needs to hear NO…you’ve heard so much about what you need to do to her but what about you?

Where are you in the picture?

I remember feeling this way when I first started my parenting journey.   No matter how hard I tried to follow the parenting suggestions, I would find myself yelling, controlling, using rewards and punishment and then feeling guilt and shame for losing my connection with my daughter.  I was as sincere as they come.  I would have done anything, and I have, to create a loving home filled with harmony and grace.

When I finally realized that I was the one who was struggling and turned the light back on my behavior things began to drastically change.  I began to notice that my daughter was fine as long as I was fine.  I noticed that when I was stressed and impatient she got stressed and defiant. ( mirror neurons)

Over time I became aware of how important my regulation was for her.  Instead of trying to control her behavior I began to really take notice of what was going on inside me.  Shifting the focus from external to internal took time.  I thought I was supposed to focus on her but what I forgot is that my perception was all about me.  Until I could see clearly what was happening in me I couldn’t really see what was happening in her.

Learning to sit with my discomfort, own my feelings and really find my sanctuary inside was critical and it was hard to find.  I’d been trained to believe that she was the cause of my discomfort and being a “good” parent meant controlling her.  All the books said so!  Actually, it is the opposite.  Your discomfort is yours and you have the power and presence to be with YOU!

Once you have moved back into a place of peace then you can truly see your child and the innocence of their behavior.  Then you can offer understanding, love and connection.  It is amazing to see how quickly a negative behavior will vanish in the face of love!

Step to follow when feeling discomfort:

  • Recognize the feeling is inside you and know your child is not the cause
  • Turn your focus internal instead of outward
  • Take a deep breath and ignore the behavior unless danger is involved
  • Put your hand on your heart
  • Love what is going on inside you
  • Soothe, soothe, soothe
  • Once regulated then make a loving connection with your child

 

3 Comments

  1. Dave Higgs-Vis @ Folkabout Baby
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    It’s really all about us, isn’t it?

    Our little ones are doing what comes naturally to them, and it’s our beliefs and assumptions that make their actions “wrong”. If we can learn to let go and let them be, we’ll all be so much better off.

    As well, babies are mirrors. If we harbour resentment towards them about their behaviour, they’re going to notice it, and begin reflecting it back to us. It can cause a dangerous cycle of negativity.

    • Leslie
      Posted July 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

      Great comment Dave…Thanks for sharing.

  2. Alex | Perfecting Dad
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

    This is a nice post. I agree that understanding the self is very important for everyone, but especially those charged with teaching and leading — which are parents. However, I think that parents ought to feel the need to teach and lead, rather than letting children drift. I know you’re not advocating a drifting, guide-less child, but I think that some parents misinterpret letting go of negative behaviour to mean let anything go. In reality, through your strength as an aware, generous, accepting parent you are developing your child. You are still a strong example and teacher, but the lessons come naturally instead over-relying on explicit guidance as though we had to give children a book of policies and procedures to follow.

    Correct me if I’m wrong!

    By the way, I recently spoke with someone about parenting their children, and one thing which stuck in my mind very brightly was his statement that he “just wants his kids to be happy.” That sounds off. I want my kids to be happy too, but I want them to be happy because they are a fountain of happiness to themselves and others. Therefore I focus on building that fountain instead of splashing happy juice on the kids. Just thought of that as I was reading your piece and wanted to write it down. Thanks!

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I’m Just Trying To Take Care Of Myself

July 4th, 2011 Parenting Advice 5 Comments

Last week I traveled to Mississippi, where I grew up, to spend the weekend with family.  When I enter into this space, I’m always struck by how easily I regress into my childhood stance.  Being aware of this, my senses were heightened and I made a mental note to be kind to myself along with all the players in my family drama.

On the plane I could feel the tension arising and had to consciously work with myself to breathe and open to a new possibility arising.  Every time I caught myself getting tight with my daughter, I would remind myself and her that I was feeling stressed about going home.  Just speaking the truth, easily returned me to the present moment and how much pleasure I was experiencing traveling with my girl.

With my awareness attuned, while watching myself closely,  I was able to stay open and present.  I was actually enjoying my time, basking in the joy of seeing how comfortable and confident my daughter was with my family.  All was going well until my mother made an innocent comment that triggered an old familiar response.  It only took a split second for my armor to engage and I immediately shot back a deflecting comment.  This gave me enough space to instantly bring in all my defenses and to withdraw my energy and get as small as possible.  As I peeked out of my safe space I re-enforced my position by judging and seeing my mom from an old lens.  As painful as it was, I was just trying to take care of myself.

Later, as I went to bed, I began to feel guilt and shame for shutting her out and began to beat myself up for not being more loving or kind.  The cycle was in full force.  Fortunately, I was able to slowly pull the lens back and got enough distance from the past to hold myself in the present.  With hand on heart, I was able to love the part of me that was doing all she could to take care of herself.  I was able to thank her for doing her best for I knew she was trying to protect my innocent nature.  I truly felt gratitude for this young part of myself that was just trying to take care of me.  As I soothed her and held her in love she began to soften, open and amazingly a deep full rich compassion arose for my mother.

With this new found depth of holding I was able to offer the same compassion to my daughter the next night.  She was feeling overwhelmed and needed some space.  When she gets this way she can get hard and cold and others experience her as mean.  I was able to see that she was just trying to take care of herself the only way she knew how.  As I sat with her, letting her know how beautiful she was and how I could see she was doing the best she could to take space she began to weep.  As she softened into my arms, we both felt held and the tenderness was beyond words.  We fell into the loving arms of a greater source and as we did our hearts opened allowing us to return to our family filled with love and joy.  What a miracle!

Practice:  Remember, we can only give our children what we are willing to give ourselves.  When you feel yourself moving into guilt or shame for how you have acted, see if you can place your hand on your heart and love the part of you that is trying to protect your innocence.  Give her the love she needs.  As you do, you will find a place inside that will see your child as trying to take care of herself instead of acting mean, or whatever you may see otherwise.  Offer her your loving heart and see what happens.

5 Comments

  1. Genevieve
    Posted July 5, 2011 at 2:11 am

    Thanks for your sharing Leslie, it always takes courage to expose our internal process but it’s a gift to others who are working on doing the same. I could relate of course. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “if you think you’ve reached enlightenment, spend the weekend with your parents”, an oldie but a goodie, one of my favourites.

    Great that you have the awareness and will to re-parent the child that you were, that must have been how you felt as a child, alone with your anxiety. Sadly like most children in their families when the connection breaks down, they become alone with their anxiety. Beautiful that your girl has what you didn’t have, that you relate to her feelings and her needs and reach her in that place. Sending love and light.

    talk soon lovely,
    Genevieve

    • Leslie
      Posted July 5, 2011 at 5:48 am

      Thanks Genevieve….Yes, I am always amazed with the power of going home! So grateful that this time I was able to hold and love myself in an even deeper way!

    • Leslie
      Posted July 21, 2011 at 4:28 am

      Steph, I read that article also. It was a HUGE stumbling block for me to even start a blog. I was too busy socializing in school to pay attention to grammar. So, I’m learning and continuing to study. Also, being kind to myself for making a mistake, which I constantly have to do as a parent.

      Thanks for the Parenting Pearl insight.

      I looked up complimentary and this was the correct spelling for a free session. Whew! So much to learn with this English language. They are sessions where I teach the 5 Foundations of Purejoy Parenting.

  2. Laura
    Posted July 5, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Excellent words of wisdom! Thanks for sharing your journey and heart of emotions. I will keep this in my heart as I travel to my parents this coming week with my daughter as well. Indeed, it is such a wonderful place to “dig and grow” more as beings.

    • Leslie
      Posted July 5, 2011 at 7:07 pm

      Lara….You are a beautiful one! Have a great trip. Let’s touch base when you return.

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Purejoy Parenting: Separation Dance

June 16th, 2011 Parenting Advice No comments

When I was asked by PBS to write a blog post around attachment I chose to share the story about my journey with anxious attachment and parenting. http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/anxious-attachment-heaven-hell-and-back-again .

In writing the post I was able to see more clearly how my anxiety around loss plays a big part in our overall dance.  My daughter came with her own story of loss since she was an orphan and had been in a Chinese orphanage for 9 months before we met.  Together, we have elements of loss in our relational dance.

Yesterday she went on a trip with friends to a hot springs.  This was first time she would be gone for two nights without being able to make contact, since cell phones don’t work at the springs.

We were both excited for her to go since a lot of her friends were going and she knew everyone on the trip.  For days, ahead of time, she was packing and getting excited about the adventure.  I was also excited about having 2 days to rest, play and have “me” time.

All sounds wonderful, yes?

I forgot about the separation dance so when I woke up yesterday and went in her room to say good morning and get a cuddle, she asked me to leave.  WHAM!  Before I knew it, I engaged the “I’m not important” move and pouted my way out the door.  This engaged her, “Better take care of mom” move and she called me back.

I countered with my “I’m fine” move and she easily moved into her “I’m fine” right back atcha!  Oh, the dreaded separation dance had begun.  The rest of the morning we moved from anger to neediness to control.

Fortunately, a light bulb went off and I was able to name that we were doing the Separation Dance.  We both sighed with relief and began talking about how scary it is to be away from each other without being able to make contact.  Once we were able to talk about it we both relaxed and decided to do our best to stay connected without trying to mitigate the pain of separation.  It was powerful to consciously move toward a different dance.

After she left, I was left with my worry of losing her and during the night I was able to connect the dots to when my mother went away on a trip and didn’t come back.  I was able to hold myself during the night and remember that I didn’t have to connect that memory with NOW.  For in the now my daughter was on a beautiful trip, having fun with her friends and I was safe at home enjoying my time.  I could actually focus on the joy instead of connecting with the pain of the past.

Ah….a new dance move in the works.

 

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Purejoy Parenting: Ouch! My toe hurts

June 2nd, 2011 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice 4 Comments

Yesterday,  as I was getting ready I put my foot into my pants.  As my foot traveled down the leg of the pant my toenail caught on a thread.  When my foot came out the other end my toenail had pulled almost completely off.  I know, I know, you can gag now!

When I looked down I almost fainted as I felt the excruciating pain flood through my body.  It looked worse than it was but triggered all kinds of stories, rising up from the bottom of my memory bank.  Some of the crazy thoughts that ran through my head were “I can’t trust life.  Just when I’m feeling on top of the world something BAD happens,”  “It’s all my fault, I should have clipped my toenails”, ” I have to keep it together because no one will be there to help.”  Flashes, feelings, memories came rushing in.

My daughter just sat there doing nothing.  She mentioned that I might want to get the first aid kit but she didn’t run down the stairs, administer to my wounds and hold me in my fear.  Darnit!  Hadn’t I taught her this was her job?  (Now remember, in the paragraph above I mentioned that I had to keep it together and no one would be there to help?”)  Here I was reliving my old, old, story and she was playing the PERFECT part.

Inside I was screaming and yet outside I looked like the cool, calm collective mom that she knows so well.  As I sucked it up and went downstairs to get a band aid she walked right by me and got something to eat.  Well, I lost it…I NEEDED her to have compassion, I NEEDED her to administer to my wound, I was outraged and said, “I guess I can just get my own band aid.”

This triggered her and she slammed the kitchen counter and started stomping up the stairs.  CUT!  OK, this scene was clearly not working.  It was playing out just like it had when I was young but this wasn’t my mother ignoring me, this was my precious daughter who I had cast in the evil role.

As I gathered myself I said, “Stop, come here.”  Hesitantly she came over…I took her in my arms and said, “Honey, I’m hurt and I’m scared but I know you love me and its really hard for me to let you in right now.”  She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, “yeh, mom I don’t know what to do when you are hurt because I get so scared.”  Whoa…in that moment all my pain subsided because I had reached out and made a connection with my daughter.

As I opened to her love, she got the first aid kit and lovingly dressed my toe.  I was able to let her shower me with kindness which is innate in her when she is not scared.  Even in this painful moment, as I opened to connection, instead of acting out my old wounded past, I was soothed. I was touched and together we found our way through.  What a gift!

PRACTICE: Remember when you are playing out an old story you might cast your child in a role, leaving the present moment and reliving the past.  Slowing down expressing what you are feeling and saying “I know you love me” will return you to the present moment.  This will allow you to move back into relationship, with your child, instead of your story!

 

4 Comments

  1. Dave Higgs-Vis @ Folkabout Baby
    Posted June 3, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Wow, I’m impressed by your presence. It’s so rare to see someone step back and realise that their first reaction might not be the best one. Bravo!

    • Leslie
      Posted June 3, 2011 at 6:53 pm

      Thanks Dave….I’ve been working with myself for a long time, being gentle and kind, forgiving myself for being so reactive and trusting that if I remember I am loved, I can bounce back into the present moment. It is truly a constant meditation practice. Parenting has been the greatest gift in supporting me in remembering who I truly am…Purejoy! I’m going to check out your site…

  2. Alex | Perfecting Dad
    Posted June 4, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Cool example. Strange that compassion and empathy has the be learned so extensively. I am puzzled when kids are so able to ignore the suffering of another. But then, so are many adults! How old is your daughter?

    I hope your toe heals though I know it will (unless you get a staph or strep infection then it could be bad). I would have helped you out :)

    • Leslie
      Posted June 5, 2011 at 6:33 am

      Alex…I don’t believe that compassion and empathy have to be learned. I believe they are innate and yet when we are scared we move into our amygdala or our pea brain as they call it. (check out this article on the amygdala hijack http://myevt.com/news/retrain-your-brain-learn-amygdala-hijack ) This is where flight/fight or freeze happen and when we are there we have a hard time thinking of anyone else. As you read the post you will see that my daughter was terrified. She gets this way when she gets afraid something might happen to me. I am a single mom and it is just the two of us. In this place she shuts down and doesn’t want to feel the fear that is arising. I often don’t want her to feel it because when she does then I have to stop administering to me to take care of her. So, in a way she was managing her fear more than usual by not getting pulled into my panic.

      Thanks for the offer of help! She did help me, when I was able to move out of my fear and open. My toe is healing nicely! Thanks.

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Purejoy Parenting: Mining for Joy

May 9th, 2011 Parenting Advice No comments
Pure Joy

Our true essence is Purejoy!

Mining for our joy can be a treacherous journey.  We have to dig deep into our stories and beliefs that have hidden our most valuable treasure, our vulnerability and joy.

They are often covered with shame, guilt and a feeling of unworthiness which can lead to rage.  Using the power of rage is an incredible digging tool if we stay focused on the treasure.

This is why it is so critical to take responsibility for the rage and remember when it comes up in relation to our children, they don’t cause it and they can’t fix it.  They are leading us to our joy, if we choose to go mining.

Whenever my rage comes up, I let me daughter know, she didn’t cause it and she can’t fix it and I’m going mining for my joy.

I sit myself down in my “power” seat (on the couch) and  let the feelings do all the digging.  If I’m able to open and allow the feelings to go deep they will lead me all the way to my joy and wella, I’ve returned to my true essence. Purejoy!

Steps to working with rage:

  • Allow yourself to experience the intensity in your body
  • Name the feeling
  • Hold the intensity for you instead of lashing out
  • Tell  your child BIG feelings are coming up and you are going to work with them
  • Get yourself to a safe spot to go mining
  • Get your helmet on
  • When hitting rock, keep digging
  • Keep your eye on the treasure: Purejoy
  • Go the distance and you will find the jewel

Happy Mining!

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Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings

April 26th, 2011 Parenting Advice 2 Comments

Children share what is going on in their internal world by expressing their feelings.  When they are young, they don’t have the filters that we, as parents, have learned.  When they feel discomfort, they express with BIG feelings.  Often these don’t come out appropriate, to our senses, and we find ourselves feeling  discomfort with the nature of their expressions.  We can have the tendency, in the moment, to try and control the expression so we don’t feel our discomfort.  Instead of hearing our child and addressing their needs, we often inadvertently suppress their expression in favor of appropriate behavior.  How can we tolerate their BIG feelings when we haven’t learned to tolerate our own?  How do we support feelings while still teaching appropriate expression?  Let’s see how.

  • Recognize when you are triggered
  • Become aware of the feeling that is arising in you
  • Take a deep breath and see if you can name the feelings
  • See if you can open to the vulnerable feelings underneath your discomfort
  • Steer yourself and your child toward vulnerable waters
  • Share with your child what you are feeling and ask them what they are feeling
  • Remember, once the feelings are processed then you can talk about appropriate ways to express
  • Be loving to yourself and your child as you learn to feel safe expressing vulnerability

Once the feeling is processed your child will return to the loving being you know and love.  Have faith that they won’t turn into spoiled, rude children if you allow them to express.  What they are really learning is how to ride the wave of feelings so they can return to the ocean of love.

2 Comments

  1. Laura
    Posted April 26, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    You are so brilliant. Thank you for sharing these morsels of “feelings and control” that we so “eloquently” stumble with in our dance together with our children.

    • Leslie
      Posted April 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm

      Thanks Laura…I was just going over your Email. Love it and look forward to connecting…

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