Today, I found myself picking up one of my favorite books, The Journey by Arnold Patent. I opened to the page on Self-Validation. “Self-validation means accepting, appreciating and loving myself unconditionally as whole and complete just the way I am. The signal that I have not reached that place is when I look for someone or something for validation.”

This made me contemplate on how often I seek validation from my daughter. When I’m feeling down on myself and wanting to know I’m a good mom, I look to her for validation. Of course, when I’m in that space, she validates the false belief I’m viewing myself through. I’m unworthy. When I believe this is true, I look outside to confirm this belief. My daughter, does a great service by shining the light on this false belief.

When I’m able to accept and appreciate myself, I don’t ask my daughter to do it for me. When I’m in this space, I’m able to be available to her and all her expressions, knowing she is finding her way to acceptance of herself. When she feels my deep appreciation, for who she is, not for how she acts, she can see herself as whole and complete just the way she is.

Practice: Begin to notice when you are seeking your child’s acceptance and validation for being a good parent. See how critical and demanding you get when you need to hear from them how important you are. When you notice, take a moment, sit with yourself, and acknowledge how important you are to you.

Yesterday, my daughter, asked me to get something for her I didn’t want to get. What I found myself doing, instead of just saying no, was telling her, “I’m not the servant around here,” or “I just did so and so for you a minute ago.” I kept defending my “no” by making her feel bad about asking. Arrgg!

I knew, in my heart of hearts, something didn’t feel good but I couldn’t put my finger on it until later in the day. She was about to ask me for a glass of water (I was standing right by the cooler) and she stopped herself saying, “no, never mind, that might be too much for you.” I was standing right there! In an instant, the flash came, that she had been getting the message to monitor her desires because she didn’t want to hear me call her an Empress one more time.

As a parent coach, I coach parents to support their child’s desires. I recommend, even when saying no to a request, they still tell their child, good for you for asking. Because the truth is, you never know who might say yes. Also, if you learn to stuff down those desires, you learn to get your needs met through manipulation. I want my daughter to know her desires can and will be met, just not always by me.

Here I was going against my good coaching advice. I love when that happens because it gives me tons of compassion and authenticity when sharing with other moms and dads. We are all in this together, yes?

Practice: When your child ask you for something, see if you can just say yes or no without making them wrong for asking. Practice asking yourself, and see if you can be as loving when you hear no as you are to yes.