Families often ask me if they parent this way how will it turn out? Will their child be responsible, loving, kind and hard working? Will they learn the difference between right and wrong? Will they get into a good college? Most of these questions are based on future fears.
Of course we all want our children to be healthy and happy. What we sometimes have trouble seeing is our conditioning, which tells us what has to happen to ensure this taking place. We often forget that the main ingredient for creating a healthy, happy individual is the capacity to self-regulate our emotions and be resilient in the face of challenges. How does this happen?
Creating a safe emotional environment for your children to process all emotions that arise is critical. We are conditioned to think negative emotions are somehow less desirable than positive ones so when our children express their discomfort it often triggers ours. If we weren’t raised in a home where all emotions were seen and heard we are more likely to shut down our child’s emotions that cause discomfort in us.
When we begin to trust that creating this environment for our children is even more important than controlling their behavior we begin to relax. In the relaxation we are able to actually see the truth of what our children are expressing.
Instead of thinking they are trying to manipulate or control us we begin to see a child who is communicating their needs to us in the only way they know how. They express through their behavior. It is our job to interpret the communication and attend to the need instead of controlling the behavior. To do this we must understand ourselves while becoming a safe person for our child.
So, the question remains. How will they turn out? The truth is I don’t know and when I let go of the future and return to the present, loving and listening to my child no matter what, I rest in the knowing that in this moment she is OK and so am I.
Tags: behavior, Connection, daughter, love, parenting
I find it extremely challenging to trust that my daughter will do the “right” thing if I don’t constantly remind her or hold her to my standard. So, as a parent, I made a choice not to take over my daughter’s business and trust that she will do the “right” thing for her. It hasn’t been easy to sit with my discomfort when she says “no” to a request from a friend. What I have found is that she does have her own internal knowing and when I get out of the way she has a chance to own her decisions.
We feel seen and heard in the arms of connection. One of my clients expressed it so beautifully when he said, “I just want my dad to connect with my heart instead of my head.”
I used to be plagued with guilt when I fell short of my parenting ideal. I had been conditioned to believe that I could and would be the “perfect” mom. I had spent years learning how to control my behavior and my temper so was shocked and filled with guilt when rage entered into my parenting experience. It became my deep dark secret that I didn’t want anyone to know. My self-worth depended on me being a “good” girl who always behaved and I couldn’t seem to stop.
I was talking with my daughter about a mom who was frustrated with her son for not helping more around the house. I asked her what she thought was going on in that situation. My daughter is 11 and very aware. Here is her take on the situation. She thought the kid was probably feeling the parents disappointment and when he felt the intensity he had to take care of himself so would probably move into the silent treatment. Wow!
Have you read countless parenting books on how to GET your child to behave. Have you been taught how to control her, how to manipulate her to do what you think is best all in the name of being a good parent. She needs limits, she needs boundaries, she needs to hear NO…you’ve heard so much about what you need to do to her but what about you?
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