Category Archive: Parenting Advice

I’m Just Trying To Take Care Of Myself

July 4th, 2011 Parenting Advice 5 Comments

Last week I traveled to Mississippi, where I grew up, to spend the weekend with family.  When I enter into this space, I’m always struck by how easily I regress into my childhood stance.  Being aware of this, my senses were heightened and I made a mental note to be kind to myself along with all the players in my family drama.

On the plane I could feel the tension arising and had to consciously work with myself to breathe and open to a new possibility arising.  Every time I caught myself getting tight with my daughter, I would remind myself and her that I was feeling stressed about going home.  Just speaking the truth, easily returned me to the present moment and how much pleasure I was experiencing traveling with my girl.

With my awareness attuned, while watching myself closely,  I was able to stay open and present.  I was actually enjoying my time, basking in the joy of seeing how comfortable and confident my daughter was with my family.  All was going well until my mother made an innocent comment that triggered an old familiar response.  It only took a split second for my armor to engage and I immediately shot back a deflecting comment.  This gave me enough space to instantly bring in all my defenses and to withdraw my energy and get as small as possible.  As I peeked out of my safe space I re-enforced my position by judging and seeing my mom from an old lens.  As painful as it was, I was just trying to take care of myself.

Later, as I went to bed, I began to feel guilt and shame for shutting her out and began to beat myself up for not being more loving or kind.  The cycle was in full force.  Fortunately, I was able to slowly pull the lens back and got enough distance from the past to hold myself in the present.  With hand on heart, I was able to love the part of me that was doing all she could to take care of herself.  I was able to thank her for doing her best for I knew she was trying to protect my innocent nature.  I truly felt gratitude for this young part of myself that was just trying to take care of me.  As I soothed her and held her in love she began to soften, open and amazingly a deep full rich compassion arose for my mother.

With this new found depth of holding I was able to offer the same compassion to my daughter the next night.  She was feeling overwhelmed and needed some space.  When she gets this way she can get hard and cold and others experience her as mean.  I was able to see that she was just trying to take care of herself the only way she knew how.  As I sat with her, letting her know how beautiful she was and how I could see she was doing the best she could to take space she began to weep.  As she softened into my arms, we both felt held and the tenderness was beyond words.  We fell into the loving arms of a greater source and as we did our hearts opened allowing us to return to our family filled with love and joy.  What a miracle!

Practice:  Remember, we can only give our children what we are willing to give ourselves.  When you feel yourself moving into guilt or shame for how you have acted, see if you can place your hand on your heart and love the part of you that is trying to protect your innocence.  Give her the love she needs.  As you do, you will find a place inside that will see your child as trying to take care of herself instead of acting mean, or whatever you may see otherwise.  Offer her your loving heart and see what happens.

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Purejoy Parenting: Separation Dance

June 16th, 2011 Parenting Advice No comments

When I was asked by PBS to write a blog post around attachment I chose to share the story about my journey with anxious attachment and parenting. http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/anxious-attachment-heaven-hell-and-back-again .

In writing the post I was able to see more clearly how my anxiety around loss plays a big part in our overall dance.  My daughter came with her own story of loss since she was an orphan and had been in a Chinese orphanage for 9 months before we met.  Together, we have elements of loss in our relational dance.

Yesterday she went on a trip with friends to a hot springs.  This was first time she would be gone for two nights without being able to make contact, since cell phones don’t work at the springs.

We were both excited for her to go since a lot of her friends were going and she knew everyone on the trip.  For days, ahead of time, she was packing and getting excited about the adventure.  I was also excited about having 2 days to rest, play and have “me” time.

All sounds wonderful, yes?

I forgot about the separation dance so when I woke up yesterday and went in her room to say good morning and get a cuddle, she asked me to leave.  WHAM!  Before I knew it, I engaged the “I’m not important” move and pouted my way out the door.  This engaged her, “Better take care of mom” move and she called me back.

I countered with my “I’m fine” move and she easily moved into her “I’m fine” right back atcha!  Oh, the dreaded separation dance had begun.  The rest of the morning we moved from anger to neediness to control.

Fortunately, a light bulb went off and I was able to name that we were doing the Separation Dance.  We both sighed with relief and began talking about how scary it is to be away from each other without being able to make contact.  Once we were able to talk about it we both relaxed and decided to do our best to stay connected without trying to mitigate the pain of separation.  It was powerful to consciously move toward a different dance.

After she left, I was left with my worry of losing her and during the night I was able to connect the dots to when my mother went away on a trip and didn’t come back.  I was able to hold myself during the night and remember that I didn’t have to connect that memory with NOW.  For in the now my daughter was on a beautiful trip, having fun with her friends and I was safe at home enjoying my time.  I could actually focus on the joy instead of connecting with the pain of the past.

Ah….a new dance move in the works.

 

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Purejoy Parenting: Ouch! My toe hurts

June 2nd, 2011 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice 4 Comments

Yesterday,  as I was getting ready I put my foot into my pants.  As my foot traveled down the leg of the pant my toenail caught on a thread.  When my foot came out the other end my toenail had pulled almost completely off.  I know, I know, you can gag now!

When I looked down I almost fainted as I felt the excruciating pain flood through my body.  It looked worse than it was but triggered all kinds of stories, rising up from the bottom of my memory bank.  Some of the crazy thoughts that ran through my head were “I can’t trust life.  Just when I’m feeling on top of the world something BAD happens,”  “It’s all my fault, I should have clipped my toenails”, ” I have to keep it together because no one will be there to help.”  Flashes, feelings, memories came rushing in.

My daughter just sat there doing nothing.  She mentioned that I might want to get the first aid kit but she didn’t run down the stairs, administer to my wounds and hold me in my fear.  Darnit!  Hadn’t I taught her this was her job?  (Now remember, in the paragraph above I mentioned that I had to keep it together and no one would be there to help?”)  Here I was reliving my old, old, story and she was playing the PERFECT part.

Inside I was screaming and yet outside I looked like the cool, calm collective mom that she knows so well.  As I sucked it up and went downstairs to get a band aid she walked right by me and got something to eat.  Well, I lost it…I NEEDED her to have compassion, I NEEDED her to administer to my wound, I was outraged and said, “I guess I can just get my own band aid.”

This triggered her and she slammed the kitchen counter and started stomping up the stairs.  CUT!  OK, this scene was clearly not working.  It was playing out just like it had when I was young but this wasn’t my mother ignoring me, this was my precious daughter who I had cast in the evil role.

As I gathered myself I said, “Stop, come here.”  Hesitantly she came over…I took her in my arms and said, “Honey, I’m hurt and I’m scared but I know you love me and its really hard for me to let you in right now.”  She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, “yeh, mom I don’t know what to do when you are hurt because I get so scared.”  Whoa…in that moment all my pain subsided because I had reached out and made a connection with my daughter.

As I opened to her love, she got the first aid kit and lovingly dressed my toe.  I was able to let her shower me with kindness which is innate in her when she is not scared.  Even in this painful moment, as I opened to connection, instead of acting out my old wounded past, I was soothed. I was touched and together we found our way through.  What a gift!

PRACTICE: Remember when you are playing out an old story you might cast your child in a role, leaving the present moment and reliving the past.  Slowing down expressing what you are feeling and saying “I know you love me” will return you to the present moment.  This will allow you to move back into relationship, with your child, instead of your story!

 

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Purejoy Parenting: Mining for Joy

May 9th, 2011 Parenting Advice No comments
Pure Joy

Our true essence is Purejoy!

Mining for our joy can be a treacherous journey.  We have to dig deep into our stories and beliefs that have hidden our most valuable treasure, our vulnerability and joy.

They are often covered with shame, guilt and a feeling of unworthiness which can lead to rage.  Using the power of rage is an incredible digging tool if we stay focused on the treasure.

This is why it is so critical to take responsibility for the rage and remember when it comes up in relation to our children, they don’t cause it and they can’t fix it.  They are leading us to our joy, if we choose to go mining.

Whenever my rage comes up, I let me daughter know, she didn’t cause it and she can’t fix it and I’m going mining for my joy.

I sit myself down in my “power” seat (on the couch) and  let the feelings do all the digging.  If I’m able to open and allow the feelings to go deep they will lead me all the way to my joy and wella, I’ve returned to my true essence. Purejoy!

Steps to working with rage:

  • Allow yourself to experience the intensity in your body
  • Name the feeling
  • Hold the intensity for you instead of lashing out
  • Tell  your child BIG feelings are coming up and you are going to work with them
  • Get yourself to a safe spot to go mining
  • Get your helmet on
  • When hitting rock, keep digging
  • Keep your eye on the treasure: Purejoy
  • Go the distance and you will find the jewel

Happy Mining!

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Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings

April 26th, 2011 Parenting Advice 2 Comments

Children share what is going on in their internal world by expressing their feelings.  When they are young, they don’t have the filters that we, as parents, have learned.  When they feel discomfort, they express with BIG feelings.  Often these don’t come out appropriate, to our senses, and we find ourselves feeling  discomfort with the nature of their expressions.  We can have the tendency, in the moment, to try and control the expression so we don’t feel our discomfort.  Instead of hearing our child and addressing their needs, we often inadvertently suppress their expression in favor of appropriate behavior.  How can we tolerate their BIG feelings when we haven’t learned to tolerate our own?  How do we support feelings while still teaching appropriate expression?  Let’s see how.

  • Recognize when you are triggered
  • Become aware of the feeling that is arising in you
  • Take a deep breath and see if you can name the feelings
  • See if you can open to the vulnerable feelings underneath your discomfort
  • Steer yourself and your child toward vulnerable waters
  • Share with your child what you are feeling and ask them what they are feeling
  • Remember, once the feelings are processed then you can talk about appropriate ways to express
  • Be loving to yourself and your child as you learn to feel safe expressing vulnerability

Once the feeling is processed your child will return to the loving being you know and love.  Have faith that they won’t turn into spoiled, rude children if you allow them to express.  What they are really learning is how to ride the wave of feelings so they can return to the ocean of love.

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Purejoy Parenting: The Mirror

April 21st, 2011 Parenting Advice, Uncategorized 2 Comments

Oh, how I love my darling daughter for she is such an incredible mirror for me to see myself in all aspects. When I am glowing, strong and happy I see her shining face reflecting back my love. When I’m cranky and judgmental I see her dark angry face lashing back, shining light on this side. It is actually an incredible gift to see myself through her eyes.

When I’m able to open and see the reflection, without judgment, I’m learning I don’t have to reject the parts of me that are so painful to see. When I can find the courage to sit right smack down in the discomfort and hold myself, instead of lashing out at my daughter, I find a place of stillness and quiet. I become curious as to what is going on inside that the mirror is reflecting. Usually I see a rejected child who lashes out in anger when she is not seen and heard. When I’m able to turn my compassion back on her and finally give her the love and understanding she needs the mirror suddenly clears.  Suddenly, I’m able to see the true reflection my daughter is showing me….love.

When seeing a dark side of yourself in the mirror remember the following.

  • What you are feeling is not caused by your child it is caused my what is being triggered in you.
  • You have the power to turn the light back inside and reclaim the part of you that is being mirrored.
  • As the discomfort arises, take time to go within and acknowledge the part of you that is showing up
  • See your child as the reflection but not the cause of your pain.
  • How we treat ourselves is how we will treat our children.

The Alchemy of a Major Spill

April 17th, 2011 Parenting Advice 12 Comments

I was beyond excited as my daughter took the green smoothie I’d just made. Over the last week she had been drinking them with true pleasure instead of closing her eyes and making a face. It’s not that she doesn’t like the taste, it is the mere sight of something GREEN in the drink that forces her to rebel and make noises as if she were dying. You would think I was forcing her to drink poison. LOL

Today, she was sitting on the couch so as I handed her the drink I headed back into the kitchen for cleanup. Within about a minute I heard the dreaded thunk sound and then, “uh,oh!” I didn’t know whether to turn around or keep heading out the door because I knew when I looked back I was going to see that a giant green bomb had exploded all over my area rug. In that moment, I felt frozen because a flood of feeling was taking over.

A scream was just about to break free of my mouth and suddenly, in a flash, I caught it. As I walked over to the rug it was covered in green. Boy, did I have to work with myself, in that moment. I breathed, I immediately got cloths, and I told my daughter we were both ok and it was just an accident. She kept apologizing and ran to get more cloths. In that moment, I saw my tendency to make it worse than it was, think that it was ruined forever and want to give up.

Instead, I used the moment to shift my energy toward what I did want. I wanted a clean rug, a happy daughter, to be ok with “what is”. As my energy shifted, so did my daughter’s. We realized the green goo had even flown under the couch. She suggested that while we were cleaning how about re-arranging the room. She wanted to see what the couch looked like across the room.

Next thing I know, we were involved in cleaning the rug, moving the furniture and having a great time doing it together. While we were at it, we decided to clean the whole room so the new arrangement would look better.

When we finished I told her how cool it was that a huge green bomb and a perceived mistake could turn into such a great experience. At that point she told me that she had been wanting to move that couch for a long time but had never told me. Then we both laughed and decided next time it might be easier to speak up than to drop a green bomb to get my attention.

This was a perfect example of going with the flow, instead of leaning into the resistance, which part of me really wanted to do. Guiding myself out of the choppy water allowed her to find her flow and we rode the wave together.

Practice: When your child makes a BIG mistake and you find yourself resisting “what is” and wanting it to be different, see if you can pause, slow down and embrace “what is”. Stay connected with your present moment experience and see where it leads you.

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I am scared

April 9th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 2 Comments

Today, we woke up a little late and I didn’t look at the clock until 15 minutes before we needed to leave the house. Before then, I’d been going slow, having my tea and enjoying the pace of the morning. I still remember looking at the clock and feeling as if a switch had been turned on. I moved into a state of fear. Fear of being late, fear of not getting back in time for my session, which led to fear of not making enough money to pay my mortgage, which led to fear of losing my house, which led to fear of being destitute, which led to its all up to me, which led to this is too much, which led to I can’t do this, which led to yelling at my daughter to hurry up, which triggered her fear, which fueled mine which ignited a fire that swept through the house consuming us both raging and destroying anything in its path. You or me babe, one of us is going down and if I go I’m taking you with me. Whew!!!!

Did I really sign up for this? Yes, yes, yes and yes for LOVE can contain the greatest fire of all. Right in the middle of the hottest moment, I let go, I threw my hands up and laid my fear in the fire surrendering it all. I collapsed on my couch, opening to all the feelings that came rushing in begging for love. And in a moment love appeared catching me in her loving grip, embracing all that I’d held down for a life time. All that was left was a calm I can’t even describe. I moved toward my daughter and guided her out of the danger zone and into the arms of love.

As we were driving she asked me why I had to book a session right after dropping her off. She wanted to know couldn’t I make one later? I heard myself begin to explain that I had to work when folks could come, and I needed the work to pay for our house and then suddenly I stopped. Maybe even this isn’t true I thought. Maybe even this has been based in fear. I looked back at her and said, “Maybe, I don’t even have to work, maybe even this I can hand to the angels.” She looked at me and said, “Who are those guys?” LOL Smiling inside, I thought to myself, I see them everywhere. They are my friends who offer so much support, they are my mom’s group who share so openly, they are my parents who have demanded so little of me in these last years, they are the trees and the flowers that bring such delight….They are everywhere, when I really open and let them in. Opening to fear, sharing it with you allows me to soften, feel tender and take your hand….you too are my angel.

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