Category Archive: Single Parenting

How to Cure the Silent Treatment

August 6th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 6 Comments

I was talking with my daughter about a mom who was frustrated with her son for not helping more around the house.  I asked her what she thought was going on in that situation.  My daughter is 11 and very aware.  Here is her take on the situation.  She thought the kid was probably feeling the parents disappointment and when he felt the intensity he had to take care of himself so would probably move into the silent treatment. Wow!

Now this activated my curiosity and I said, “Hey, I need to write a new blog post and I’d love to hear your perspective.  Parents are very curious as to what is really going on inside and you might help some kids by giving us the inside story.  I asked her the following questions and here were her answers.

What causes the silent treatment?  The kid being mad at the parent

Usually what are they mad about?  The parent wants the kid to do what they want them to do

What do you think the silent treatment will do?  Keep the kid from having to answer questions they don’t want to answer or take care of the parent

Cure for the silent Treatment:

Be light and start laughing.   The kid starts laughing and it cures the silent treatment.

Now the cure surprised me because when she moves into the silent treatment the last thing I want to do is be light.  I kick into a belief that I’ve done something wrong and now I’m being rejected.  Yep!  It becomes all about me again!  So, the answer for me is to relax more, lighten up, when I feel stressed, and laugh a lot more!

I’m excited for the instruction!

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I am scared

April 9th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 2 Comments

Today, we woke up a little late and I didn’t look at the clock until 15 minutes before we needed to leave the house. Before then, I’d been going slow, having my tea and enjoying the pace of the morning. I still remember looking at the clock and feeling as if a switch had been turned on. I moved into a state of fear. Fear of being late, fear of not getting back in time for my session, which led to fear of not making enough money to pay my mortgage, which led to fear of losing my house, which led to fear of being destitute, which led to its all up to me, which led to this is too much, which led to I can’t do this, which led to yelling at my daughter to hurry up, which triggered her fear, which fueled mine which ignited a fire that swept through the house consuming us both raging and destroying anything in its path. You or me babe, one of us is going down and if I go I’m taking you with me. Whew!!!!

Did I really sign up for this? Yes, yes, yes and yes for LOVE can contain the greatest fire of all. Right in the middle of the hottest moment, I let go, I threw my hands up and laid my fear in the fire surrendering it all. I collapsed on my couch, opening to all the feelings that came rushing in begging for love. And in a moment love appeared catching me in her loving grip, embracing all that I’d held down for a life time. All that was left was a calm I can’t even describe. I moved toward my daughter and guided her out of the danger zone and into the arms of love.

As we were driving she asked me why I had to book a session right after dropping her off. She wanted to know couldn’t I make one later? I heard myself begin to explain that I had to work when folks could come, and I needed the work to pay for our house and then suddenly I stopped. Maybe even this isn’t true I thought. Maybe even this has been based in fear. I looked back at her and said, “Maybe, I don’t even have to work, maybe even this I can hand to the angels.” She looked at me and said, “Who are those guys?” LOL Smiling inside, I thought to myself, I see them everywhere. They are my friends who offer so much support, they are my mom’s group who share so openly, they are my parents who have demanded so little of me in these last years, they are the trees and the flowers that bring such delight….They are everywhere, when I really open and let them in. Opening to fear, sharing it with you allows me to soften, feel tender and take your hand….you too are my angel.

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I Don’t Want To Go Until You Don’t

April 1st, 2011 Single Parenting, Unconditional Love 3 Comments

Yesterday I was tired and hungry and called to my daughter to see if she was ready to go to lunch. She came storming down the stairs saying, “I can’t go until I wash my hair.” Now she had all morning to wash her hair but as soon as I was ready to go she wasn’t. She screamed, she cried, she said, “I can’t go out with my hair like this.” Now, I’m hungry and I know she wants me to trim her hair. I REALLY want to get some food in my belly before I touch the scissors but NOOOO she wants me to do it NOW!

BIG FEELINGS are racing around our house threatening to explode and take us both down. She is expressing hers, I’m sitting on the couch watching mine explode inside. I know if I don’t work with them, I’ll act out the dreaded control move and before I know it I’ll hear myself saying ” you better listen to me, young lady and get ready to go, right now.” ……… Oh, thank goodness I know this one well and decide to hold my ground, breathing, and opening to her expression. “I can do this”, I’m telling myself, “I can stay right here and attend to my BIG feelings. She’s ok, I’m ok, we’ll make it through this.”

She storms up the stairs….screaming she hates me as she goes….I sit on the couch, breathing, checking in to see what is really going on inside. I am hungry and I decide I’m not up for a battle so decide I will make food at home. I yell up that I am making lunch and whamo….She comes running down the stairs saying, “I want to go, I want to go to lunch.” Oh my, here we are on the other side….Again, I breathe, relax into making food and tell her I am staying home and cooking.

She runs back up the stairs, crying and yelling at me….I slow everything down, inside, and begin cooking and oh how good the food smells. I keep returning to the sensations and smells in the moment. Breathing, relaxing. Next thing I know she is coming back downstairs and I tell her I am cooking her some Mac & Cheese… She says, “Thanks mom, I think I’m going to cook you some eggs.” We both looked at each other and start laughing…”Boy” she says, “We sure are cranky when we are both hungry.”

Another adventure in riding the wave of BIG feelings. I’ve learned, from years of practice, that if I will ride the wave, inside me instead of trying to control her behavior, that we move through within a few minutes. It’s a process and I’ve learned to trust it, staying in the moment, knowing its only feelings and when there is space for all of them, gratitude always shows up on the other side.

Practice: If your child exhibits BIG feelings over something trivial see if you can shine the light on what is going on inside you instead of controlling the behavior. Stay with yourself, watching the feelings rise, loving them and giving them space…Stay connected with you and see what happens.

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If Only I Was Perfect

March 25th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 1 Comment

If only I was perfect, I’d always know the right thing to do. If only I was perfect, I’d say the right thing and be able to protect my daughter from all pain. If only I was perfect, I’d be the perfect mom and have the perfect kid! WRONG!

When I step into perfection thinking, I’ve stepped out of present moment loving.

I waited until I was 44 to become a Mom. One of the reasons I waited so long was because I was so afraid of not being perfect. I knew, in my mind, how I wanted to raise my children and yet whenever I began taking steps to make this a reality, all my doubts and fears rose up. What if I screwed them up? What if I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be? Could I really deal with the realities of being a parent? It was much easier to fantasize my role as a parent instead of stepping into it full blown.

Fortunately, my intense mama desire won out and I adopted my daughter. Instead of having the perfect pregnancy, the perfect birth and the perfect first 9 months of me taking care of all her needs, I was matched with a 9 month old child, 12 lbs. 10 ozs., malnourished and desperate for love. Instead of golden blonde hair and baby blue eyes she had intense penetrating black eyes and jet black hair. She was PERFECT! And so was I. We were the perfect match for each other.

Sometimes, as parents, things turn out different than we imagined and yet we must remember that it is all perfect. All the things I have learned, and embraced over the last 11 years have been perfect. I haven’t been able to control all the externals and yet I’ve learned to go internal to find stillness and my intuition in how to be with my daughter in the present. Often I feel inadequate, to protect her from pain, and yet when I return to my sweet embrace its always perfect. I’ve heard myself yelling and felt shame and guilt and yet I always return to love, expanded in my capacity to love myself and her, it has been perfect.

I’ve never experienced myself, so fully, the light and dark sides and I’m grateful that I’m not striving for perfection. I’m taking each day as a gift, the joys and the challenges. I chose to be a MOM! So, I choose to embrace all that it awakens in me. So can you!

Practice: Morning Mama/Daddy Practice: As I awaken I love myself as a Mama/Dad. This is a new day and I smile knowing each day is a new beginning. I embrace each of my children for who they are and all they will bring to me, this day, both challenges and joys.

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Taking Over

February 16th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting No comments

My daughter has wanted a puppy for quite awhile. She adores dogs and yet when we had talked about caring for a dog, in the past, ie: pick up poop and walk, she quickly said she wasn’t ready. She will be 11 in a couple of weeks so the conversation moved back to her readiness. She was SURE she was ready so the hunt began.

Now a bit of the back end story. I DON’T want a puppy. I am a single mom, raising my daughter, building my business and enjoying life. I’m not up for picking up poop and walking/training a puppy. So, I’ve been clear with her that if she wants a puppy she needs to be ready to take on those jobs. She assured me she was ready!

So, the pattern begins….Guess who starts looking for puppies, and guess who goes to the library and gets every book and DVD on puppies that she can find, and guess who starts researching breeds and TOTALLY takes over the experience? That would be MWAH! I was like a dog on a pork chop. LOL I was going to the humane society site, every day, and sending her pictures. I was reading the books and talking to breeders. Now wasn’t I the one who proclaimed I didn’t want a dog?

After about 3 weeks of maniacal looking for the perfect puppy and reading all the puppy training videos it suddenly dawned on me that my daughter wasn’t interested enough to even look. She loved looking at cute dog bowls and that new cool outdoor water bowl caught her attention but she had no interest in reading or watching the videos. She never once, went on the site to look for new puppies arriving at the shelter. Hmmmmm! Thank goodness I WOKE up from my major take-over coup before I brought home a puppy I didn’t want in the first place.

When I finally, cooled my jets and shared, with my daughter, how I thought I had more energy for a puppy than she did, she looked at me and said, “yeh mom, I’m thinking I might not be ready until the summer.” Big sigh of relief, on my part… It takes a lot of energy to be the driving force, around one of my daughter’s desires. I’m great at taking over, for her, and yet every time I watch her lose interest and move onto the next thing. When will I ever learn?

I’ve decided, I’m going to keep that drive for me!

Practice: Do you ever take over and idea your child has and then find you are giving it more energy than they are? Ask yourself, where in your life do you need to give more energy? See if you can use that energy to infuse your passion. Your child will be watching!

P.S. Now if anyone knows how to carve goose eggs…..AWWWW! There I go again….

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Grace

July 1st, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice, Single Parenting No comments

I have prided myself, as a single mom, in being self-reliant. I can do it all has been my motto! Hand me a challenge and watch me power down and make it through. Phew! Even writing about it makes me tired. Where did I get the idea that it was an asset to hold it all up? I’m sure it was from childhood but why I’ve carried it all these years is a mystery.

Quitting my job, pulling my daughter out of school and supporting a friend after the sudden death of her husband has brought me to my knees. Uncle, I scream to the universe and then I realize I’m the one who is holding up this crazy concept. The universe is offering grace, at all moments, I just have to be open to accepting the truth. Yes, I am a single mom and it is easy to buy into the illusion that it is all up to me. Shutting the door to grace only makes life harder. Opening the door can also be challenging because when it opens, the support rushes in. Can I accept it? You bet! It is time we all live in the absolute truth and open to the abundance and love which is always available.

As I open, I relax and my daughter relaxes. As I live in the truth, my daughter does also. I choose to live in grace, showing her the way. She is supported in life. She is grace! It is really this simple when I choose to see it this way.

Practice: Today, see if you can slow down, relax and open to grace entering your life. Watch what happens to your children as you open and receive the support that is always there.

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Relaxing

May 2nd, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice, Single Parenting No comments

I never would have thought the best parenting I’ve done could be seen, by some parenting experts, as the worst. Whew, does that make sense at all? I continue to notice situations where I’ve had the least agenda is where my daughter is thriving.

An example is bed time. My daughter has never been given a bed time. (This was my parenting no no) Being a single mom, I found, on most nights, by 8pm I was toast. So, instead of setting a designated bedtime, for my daughter, we would both start heading upstairs around 7pm. She never questioned this movement because we were doing it together. We would begin, our routine, together and from 7pm to 8pm was our sweet cuddle time. Bed time was always a seamless event in our home. We went down together, and if I needed to get back up later, I would.

What I witness, now at 10 years old, is her being able to regulate bedtime knowing when to go down and when to arise. She doesn’t need me, as an external force, to guide her. It’s actually amazing to watch. Now remember, I had NOTHING to do with this as far as being the external dictate. I was tired and needed to go down. This is what I mean as being an accident and not a conscious decision to parent in this way. I was just relaxed and followed my own internal rhythm, which she picked up on, and the relationship became the primary connection, not getting to bed on time.

The more I relax, focusing on our connection rather than parenting the “right” way, she flourishes showing me the true nature of parenting: pure joy…..

Practice: Begin to notice, in your parenting, the areas where you have very little agenda about how things are done. See, if in these areas, your child is relaxed and able to take on their own agenda, showing you the way.

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My Agenda

April 25th, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 2 Comments

This week I’ve noticed, when having an agenda, my daughter, simply refuses to engage. Today, coming in from the grocery, I asked her to unload one of the bags. I’d taken her to lunch, bought her a sweet treat and driven her to a friend’s house so I thought asking her to unload one little bag would be a piece of cake. Well, the truth is, I felt like she owed me this one small little favor since I’d given so much earlier. Ahhhh…the agenda reveals itself.

Now you might be thinking, hey Leslie, you are just teaching her how to help out at home….or maybe you are thinking she is going to get the wrong message if I don’t require her to help out. And if you are, all of these thoughts run through my head as she growls and says she won’t unload the bag. I take a deep breath and try my big voice saying, “Meili, it is just one bag and I want you to unload it now.” Growling she starts emptying the bag but slams the goods on the table refusing to put them in the fridge.

I feel intense heat rising in my body, as I engage my trigger, seeing clearly my words are not producing the results I desire. I know, in my heart, what I’m about to say is NOT what I want to say but before I can stop out spews. “Alright then, I guess I won’t be taking you to lunch or getting you a treat anymore.” As those ugly words come tumbling out of my mouth, the dreaded blackmail move engages. As I look at my precious daughter I know this is NOT how I want to teach her to get support. Remembering, I’m the role model, I take a deep breath saying, “wow, what just came out of my mouth, isn’t what I really wanted to say.” What I wanted to say is, “I love you and I see you are in a big hurry to get out the door to your friends.” And the moment I open into a receptive place, including her agenda in the space, she looks at me and says, “I’m happy to help you, mom.” Ah, can it really be this easy? Only when I remember to stay open, taking responsibility for my agendas, knowing she is not here to serve them.

Practice: Become aware when you meet resistance in your child. When you do, ask yourself if your agenda is playing out, determined to defend and justify its position. See if you are willing to drop your agenda, open to receiving your child and then see what happens. Let me know what you find out!

Ms. Purejoy aka Leslie

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