As a young child, I vividly remember going to the beach.   It was a place where all my troubles dropped away and I felt connected to my sister in a way that didn’t happen at home.  We would search, for hours, for shells to take back and share with all our friends.  Each one, had a magical story attached to it and through our imaginations we entered into a magical world with each other.  In this world, there was all the love and understanding we needed.  We were valued for who we were and there were no expectations that we be different, to please someone else. There was no competition for the love that we both so desperately needed.  It seemed that the ocean, filled that need and therefore we could connect in joy.

When I am feeling depleted and at the end of my rope, with parenting, I try to remember those times.  For, when I am nourished and filled with love, I am able to skip and play with my daughter, knowing  this is the connection we are both seeking.  It is my responsibility to know my own inner workings and know when and how to nourish myself when depleted.

Being a single parent, and being on 24/7 has taught me a lot about how I can focus on what is not happening instead of seeing what is right in front of my face.  Joy,  is always before me, if I choose to see my daughter through my loving eyes.  She truly is a “joy bug” and yet my perceptions can often make her someone who is thwarting my need.  Letting go and seeing the “joy” and “love she is always brings me back to my true Self.

I have a very strong need to be “heard”. When I was growing up we called my dad the “deaf ear”. When you were talking with him about something he didn’t like or wasn’t interested in he would actually sit there and act like he didn’t hear you. I could talk till I was blue in the face, and look out and see this blank look in his eyes. Even though we joked about it, it was very painful for me, because I had a lot to say and thought it was all VERY important.

So, from a fear based state of being, this is how I react. When I ask my daughter a question, and she doesn’t answer me, a little bomb goes off inside. I can feel the heat rising, the indignation erupting and often before I know it I begin answering myself out loud. “Sure, mom, I’d love to go with you to the store.” I talk to myself, which drives my daughter crazy. She feels misunderstood, talked down to and all around bad. This doesn’t support our relationship at all. It only supports my need to be heard because once I use my manipulative technique to get her attention she definitely hears. The problem is, what she hears is that I’m making fun of her, I’m disappointed in her and basically she is there to serve my need. There is no emotional space for her to be seen or heard.

Take two from a love based state of being: I ask my daughter a question, (usually this happens when she is consumed in her world) and she doesn’t answer back. Since I know this is a trigger, I am able to create a tiny gap between my explosive reaction and my awareness of my state of being. I take a deep breath and slow down inside myself. When I am able to do, just this tiny step, I am able to look out and truly see my daughter and where she is and what she is doing that is consuming her “ear” space. At this point, if my need to be heard is strong, I usually walk closer to my daughter, make physical contact with her and see if she can take a moment to hear me. Sometimes she can and sometimes she has a stronger need to stay involved in her task to completion. If this is the case, I ask her to take a moment, when she can, to make contact with me so I can ask her a question. She is ALWAYS happy to do this when I truly respect where she is and it usually happens within a minute. Both of our needs are met and yet I was the one to take care of my intense need to be heard, in a new way, instead of creating her to be a “deaf ear” and acting out
my old behavioral pattern, from childhood.

I’ve learned that I can hear myself and find enough emotional space, in the present, to hear the other also, even if it appears, to the child in me, as the “deaf ear”. When I bring my old wound to the present moment, it heals. As I make a connection with the “now” I make a true relational connection with my sweet loving daughter and see her beautiful which is a reflection of my own internal state!

Example: My daughter had some friends over for a sleep-over and she was being very controlling about turning the light off, the music they played and who slept where. Her need to control, is a trigger for me and I began to try and get her to stop. I moved out of a “loving” state into a judgmental, critical state and then I wanted to control her. My tone turned stern and I told her to turn the light off and let the other girls choose the music. She resisted and sent me an angry stare, which just pushed me into telling her that if she wanted to have friends over, she had to let them have a turn also. This was all done, from my state of fear, which says to me that she won’t have any friends if she keeps treating them this way. So, I defended and justified my actions in the name of “caring”.

I went upstairs and a few minutes later she asked me to come down. She looked at me with a sad face and asks if she could come upstairs and sleep. I’m was about to say “no” when I took a deep breath and said, ” if you want to you can come up.” . She raced upstairs and hunkered down in the bed.

As I opened my heart and moved into a more loving state, I was able to move toward her and put my arm around her. As she took a breath, she started telling me how she had felt left out in the play with the girls. She tried to find her way but couldn’t and moved into a fear state.

She talked about going downstairs and messing up the game they were playing. She didn’t like them at that point and just wanted them to leave. In my loving state, I listened and told her I could see she was angry and also sad. I just laid there with her as she expressed her desire to lash out and not be friends with the girls. I told her that I was glad she knew to come to a safe place to be comforted and I was sorry that I hadn’t been a safe space for her earlier. She just laid there and let me hold her until she fell asleep. The next morning she arose, marched down stairs and continued the play with her friends with no hard feelings.

What I didn’t do was: Tell her she needed to be nicer. Try to get her to understand them. Use logic to explain why they did what they did. Teach her how to be with friends. (All of these came to my mind and yet I let my heart lead the way) I saw, heard and validated her.