Below is the recording of the Emotional Safety teleseminar that myself and Genevieve at www.peaceful-parent.com  ran yesterday.

Thank you for registering for the call.  We hope you gain some insights, reminders and more tools that bring more harmony to your days.

There are a couple of pages on Genevieve’s website that may be helpful to you as you continue to foster emotional safety in your home;

The Basic Emotional Needs Checklist  can help parents identify what might be missing and what’s needed for their child when their child is out of balance. there may well be small steps you can take towards meeting those needs today.

 Feelings and Needs Chart  gives some pointers that can be a quick reminder of some of the feelings that may be driving certain behaviors and furthermore some of the possible unmet needs that need to gain attention before the child can begin to feel better, hence act better. This can also be useful in helping a parent to re-frame a challenging situation when the parent becomes emotionally charged and has the urge to choose actions that escalate a situation.

We would love to have you join us for this Sat. with Leslie  Parenting Practice Day in the US or this Sat. in New Zealand with Genevieve.

So many times I hear parents say, “I can’t do this anymore.”  They feel like they are at the end of their rope and they are always talking about what they are doing with their child.  The problem is they still think the child needs to change and not them. 

When I hear this phrase I ask them “When she does that what do you do?”   This is the true question.  When she does that I do this!  When parents can name what they are doing in reaction to their child then the true work begins. 

The only thing you have to focus on is what you are doing not what your child is doing.  You truly have the power to not do what is causing you suffering.  You don’t have the power to change someone else so you don’t have to do what you are doing. 

This is always an empowering step when parents truly realize they CAN stop doing what they are doing.  This is where the power lies and as they become honest with themselves and begin shifting their behavior miracles happen. 

So, when you hear yourself say, “I can’t do this anymore” take heart and listen to yourself.  STOP what you are doing to cause your suffering.  When you return to joy your child will follow!  

Families often ask me if they parent this way how will it turn out?  Will their child be responsible, loving, kind and hard working?  Will they learn the difference between right and wrong?  Will they get into a good college?  Most of these questions are based on future fears. 

Of course we all want our children to be healthy and happy.  What we sometimes have trouble seeing is our conditioning, which tells us what has to happen to ensure this taking place.  We often forget that the main ingredient for creating a healthy, happy individual is the capacity to self-regulate our emotions and be resilient in the face of challenges. How does this happen?

Creating a safe emotional environment for your children to process all emotions that arise is critical.  We are conditioned to think negative emotions are somehow less desirable than positive ones so when our children express their discomfort it often triggers ours.  If we weren’t raised in a home where all emotions were seen and heard we are more likely to shut down our child’s emotions that cause discomfort in us. 

When we begin to trust that creating this environment for our children is even more important than controlling their behavior we begin to relax.  In the relaxation we are able to actually see the truth of what our children are expressing. 

Instead of thinking they are trying to manipulate or control us we begin to see a child who is communicating their needs to us in the only way they know how. They express through their behavior.  It is our job to interpret the communication and attend to the need instead of controlling the behavior. To do this we must understand ourselves while becoming a safe person for our child. 

So, the question remains.  How will they turn out?  The truth is I don’t know and when I let go of the future and return to the present, loving and listening to my child no matter what, I rest in the knowing that in this moment she is OK and so am I.   

“Anything that bothers you is only a problem within.  Only you can experience it and only you can correct it“  Wayne Dyer

Embracing a new way of parenting can seem daunting when it comes to implementing the shifts int0 real-time parenting.  With the dawn of Facebook there is more inspiration and guidance available on a daily basis.

Anytime during the day I can click on a page and read something that resonates deeply with how I want to parent, how I want to treat my daughter and how I want to treat myself.  Putting the knowledge into practice is where the rubber meets the road.

I have been a seeker as long as I can remember.  Always seeking knowledge, spiritual guidance, therapy and anything inspirational to support me in looking at my blind sides, awaken to my beauty and be all that I am.

When I sit in front of a teacher or a therapist I am open and willing to see my conditioning and take responsibility for what I have created.  This is why I go.  I pay money and feel tremendous gratitude to those who support me in uncovering my beliefs that aren’t serving my higher good.

The question I ask myself and you is then why are we not bowing down to our children for they are showing us our triggers daily.  Instead of saying thank you and looking at our part we have the tendency to get angry with them, shame or blame them for causing our pain, instead of highlighting it, and will do just about anything to move away from the discomfort as it arises.

It is easy to sit in front of the guru asking to see any obstacles that keep us from awakening.  I doubt any of us would send the guru to his room or yell at him for showing us a part of ourselves that we knew was obstructing love.  And yet, we do this with our children in the name of teaching them a lesson or thinking we know what is best for them.  This is conditioning not who we are.

Walking the talk means really seeing our children as the guru.  They arrive innocent and pure, open and willing to reflect love.  They aren’t manipulating, conniving or out to make us mad.   They have needs and when they conflict with our needs this is when it is time to go inside.  The feelings are within you.  The problem is within you and only you can walk the talk in this moment.

Instead of trying to get our kids to walk the talk, we must slow down and take the time to go within.  We must question the conditioning we have learned and truly meet ourselves in love instead of trying to control our children so we feel loved.  I’m not saying it is easy!  I’m saying it is time to up the ante and stop looking outside for the guru in hopes that once we are whole we will be the loving parents we are.  Practice in your own home.

It’s time to meet the guru…..you live with her!

“Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us.” Pema Chodron

We feel seen and heard in the arms of connection.  One of my clients expressed it so beautifully when he said, “I just want my dad to connect with my heart instead of my head.”

Over and over this young man feels missed and doesn’t know how to find that connection inside.  Whenever he brings up deep emotional issues he feels his dad moves into a controlling posture and all the young man hears is that he is not good enough and must try harder.

Have you ever been there?  I know I have.  So, the question is how do we connect in the middle of a behavior that begs for control?

First, we must sit with our internal discomfort that arises when a certain behavior triggers a story in us.  Instead of acting on the discomfort and controlling the behavior we must connect with our story that is driving the discomfort.

Then we must ask is it true?  Most of our stories are ones we learned from our upbringing and are often based on the notion that we must control behavior or our children will be out of control and we will be looked on as “bad” parents.  When we connect with this story we are driven to control our child.

What we miss is the connection with our child and their needs in that moment.  We must ask ourselves what is going on in this moment and how can I connect with my child’s discomfort and support them in feeling safe and loved?

Instead we often take care of our own discomfort by thinking the child is causing it and then controlling them so they can fix our pain.

What this teaches our child is that they are responsible for our pain and now they need to fix it.

I’ve worked with tons of parents and this is NEVER the message they want to give their children and yet unless they question their story and move toward connection in the moment, they inadvertently do just this.

When you are committed to working with your discomfort, calming yourself and  being willing to ignore behavior and move toward connection this is when the miracles happen.

When you are triggered:  If the behavior is not dangerous IMMEDIATELY move to a safe space (I head toward the couch).  Sit yourself down and spend 90 seconds breathing and being with the feelings that are arising.  See if you are willing to hear the story without acting it out with your child.  Put your hand on your heart and soothe you returning to a place of connection and peace.  Let your child off the hook (if the behavior is dangerous make sure your child is safe).  Take the time to comfort yourself knowing if you do you will be able to show up for your child and their needs.

Remember this is a practice and over time it gets easier and easier.

I used to be plagued with guilt when I fell short of my parenting ideal.  I had been conditioned to believe that I could and would be the “perfect” mom.  I had spent years learning how to control my behavior and my temper so was shocked and filled with guilt when rage entered into my parenting experience.  It became my deep dark secret that I didn’t want anyone to know.  My self-worth depended on me being a “good” girl who always behaved and I couldn’t seem to stop.

I couldn’t believe that after all my years of therapy and spiritual growth that I found myself feeling such rage in the face of my 6 year old not listening.  I was shocked that her determination and strong will threatened my well being.  I was at a loss as to how to control my “not so pretty” behavior, let alone control hers.

I was filled with guilt and shame and the more I felt it the more I had.  Finally I realized that it wasn’t serving me or my daughter.  I had to learn to detach my behavior from my self-worth.  Yes, when I was stressed and feeling out of control I acted out.  Yes, when I felt helpless and not listened to I yelled.  That didn’t mean I was a worthless mother who was ruining my child.  That meant I was stressed and didn’t know how to deal.

As I began to understand that these behaviors were triggered by stress, not by my lack of worth, things began to shift.  Miraculously, I began to see my daughter’s behaviors as stress responses and realized they had nothing to do with her worth.  I was able to open to an unconditional love of all emotions and in doing so was able to release my guilt.  This allowed me to show up for her in a loving way.

Grace entered our house and we both learned how to express our emotions without hurting ourselves or anyone else.  I had to go first since she was learning from me.  As I softened and realized when I was off it was just an indicator of my stress level, I was able to nurture and love myself instead of falling into a pit of guilt and shame.

We both still fall short of “perfection” but have learned how to return to love in an instant.  What a gift.

Yesterday I was tired and hungry and called to my daughter to see if she was ready to go to lunch. She came storming down the stairs saying, “I can’t go until I wash my hair.” Now she had all morning to wash her hair but as soon as I was ready to go she wasn’t. She screamed, she cried, she said, “I can’t go out with my hair like this.” Now, I’m hungry and I know she wants me to trim her hair. I REALLY want to get some food in my belly before I touch the scissors but NOOOO she wants me to do it NOW!

BIG FEELINGS are racing around our house threatening to explode and take us both down. She is expressing hers, I’m sitting on the couch watching mine explode inside. I know if I don’t work with them, I’ll act out the dreaded control move and before I know it I’ll hear myself saying ” you better listen to me, young lady and get ready to go, right now.” ……… Oh, thank goodness I know this one well and decide to hold my ground, breathing, and opening to her expression. “I can do this”, I’m telling myself, “I can stay right here and attend to my BIG feelings. She’s ok, I’m ok, we’ll make it through this.”

She storms up the stairs….screaming she hates me as she goes….I sit on the couch, breathing, checking in to see what is really going on inside. I am hungry and I decide I’m not up for a battle so decide I will make food at home. I yell up that I am making lunch and whamo….She comes running down the stairs saying, “I want to go, I want to go to lunch.” Oh my, here we are on the other side….Again, I breathe, relax into making food and tell her I am staying home and cooking.

She runs back up the stairs, crying and yelling at me….I slow everything down, inside, and begin cooking and oh how good the food smells. I keep returning to the sensations and smells in the moment. Breathing, relaxing. Next thing I know she is coming back downstairs and I tell her I am cooking her some Mac & Cheese… She says, “Thanks mom, I think I’m going to cook you some eggs.” We both looked at each other and start laughing…”Boy” she says, “We sure are cranky when we are both hungry.”

Another adventure in riding the wave of BIG feelings. I’ve learned, from years of practice, that if I will ride the wave, inside me instead of trying to control her behavior, that we move through within a few minutes. It’s a process and I’ve learned to trust it, staying in the moment, knowing its only feelings and when there is space for all of them, gratitude always shows up on the other side.

Practice: If your child exhibits BIG feelings over something trivial see if you can shine the light on what is going on inside you instead of controlling the behavior. Stay with yourself, watching the feelings rise, loving them and giving them space…Stay connected with you and see what happens.

Imparting values, to my daughter, can be tricky business. Often I see the discrepancies about what I say I believe is valuable and what I truly live. I am a firm believer, in theory, of only doing what you love for money. I strive to live out of the saying, “follow your bliss and the money will come.” I’ve often expressed this to my daughter and today I got a challenge to see if this is true.

My daughter is excited about saving her money for an ipad. She was offered a job, working with my neighbor, in his garden which she loves. He told me he’s never seen a kid who loves gardening as much as she does. She comes home, everyday with a smile on her face and some money in her pocket. She is so thrilled that she asked to start a savings account and can hardly wait until her new deposit slips come.

Well, sure enough, I got excited with her and started thinking of all the ways she could make money! Now, remember I’m the one who has told her to do what she loves and the money will come. When a friend asked her to babysit, she said “NO” because she didn’t enjoy it. Then when the neighbor asked her if she wanted to take out his trash and re-cycling (we live in co-housing so she would have to carry it a ways) for $5, she politely said “NO”.

Now before I knew it I heard myself saying, “I thought you wanted money for an ipad?” Then I saw my neighbor and he said, “I was offering her $5 for 20 minutes of work”. The light bulb went on and I looked at him and said, “yes, but she would be doing it only for the money. I’ve taught her to do what she loves and the money will come.” He turned toward me and said, “yea, I still haven’t gotten that one.” I thought to myself, maybe I haven’t either.

Practice: Think about a value you have that you want to impart to your child. See if your actions actually support this value or if you are only giving it lip service. Have fun with this one and maybe, like me, you might enjoy following your own advice.

Think about the last time you saw a new puppy….Remember, when your child was little and saw their first puppy? Watch a video of a puppy licking a little one and experience the joy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-5_SW9zh2w&feature=related

The innocence we experience when love is given freely is always available. It opens our hearts and penetrates even the strongest barriers. For a moment, we remember our tenderness and return to our ground of being, “love”. We forget our struggles and see the reflection of our innocent playful self. Our hearts open, and we give back. Amazing.

This ground of being, “love”, is always present and yet we often cover it with our worries and fears. Especially, as a parent, I find it is easier to focus on all my worries and desires to protect my daughter instead of seeing through the eyes of love. When I’m able to see the innocence in her behaviors instead of focusing on the fear, I’m able to open and embrace a tenderness which holds her in a loving way.

When I’m tight and fearful, I might see her actions as threatening or trying to manipulate me in some way. Innocence is nowhere to be found and in my tightness I want to tighten down on her.

Remembering her playful puppy nature allows me to hold this truth of who she truly is even when she forgets.

Practice: Today, find your playful puppy nature and see how the world appears. Try going out in the world, figuratively licking everyone you see, and watch your heart open. Be the role model for your child and enjoy the fun.

When I adopted my daughter 9 years ago, I promised to be the BEST parent I could be. Honestly, I was afraid to be a mom, so I waited until my forties to adopt. Even though I love children, I was always afraid I might not be able to be the mom I always dreamed I could be.

So, I began the journey of the “try too hard” mom. I rarely found myself relaxing and enjoying the time with my daughter because I was always “trying” to do the right thing, feed her the best food, give her the greatest care… I was so far ahead of myself, I rarely slowed down and just sat on the floor with her.

When I finally slowed down and looked myself in the eye, I was able to see I didn’t need to be perfect. She didn’t care! She didn’t see the messes I saw or thank me for making sure she ate right. She just loved my hugs and kisses and jumping into my arms whenever she saw me. As I took the time, to love myself, for who I am not all I was doing, our relationship
grew and our hearts opened. Today, we cleaned the house together, playing and loving being together.

Practice: Today, instead of focusing on all you haven’t done, take a moment to look in your child’s eyes and see the love pouring toward you. Try letting go of one task and dedicate that time to sitting down on the floor and making a “little” mess! See how it feels!