Last night, as I was falling asleep, I had an image of taking a picture of a thought!  It was as if, I had a thought, and then took the picture which gave the thought form.  Then I imagined putting that picture on my “life” board and began to live it out as if it were real.  Each time I had a thought, I imagined taking the picture and deciding what to do with it.  Did I want to add it to my board or tear it up.  After all they are just pictures.

As I continued to work, with this process, I thought about my relationship with my daughter and her behaviors.  She has requested  more time on the computer so I began to look at my thoughts around the request.  I saw, in my minds eye, her watching a Power Rangers show, which she is totally into, and feeling uncomfortable with her request to watch more.  My thought was, she is watching way too many episodes and I need to make her get off.  SNAP!  I took the picture of the thought.  I imagined the picture coming out of an old polaroid camera and waited with curiosity to see the shot.  As it slowly rolled out , I saw a confused, hard grimace on my face.  There was no openness in my expression.  My brow was furrowed and I looked like I was in pain.

I then realized this was a familiar picture that lives on my “life” board and it often arises when I am judging something my daughter wants as bad for her.  What I got from the picture is the show was bad for me and yet she was in total joy.  WOW!  What a disconnect.  She is experiencing joy and I am experiencing pain from the same source.  Does that make me right to remove the source of her joy so I won’t have to feel my pain?  Now this was a good movie!

As I slowly pulled the layers off, I realized the movie had nothing to do with my pain, only my judgment of it.  I took a deep breath and first thought about my daugther’s joy, SNAP!  This is a picture worth keeping.  If I can learn to connect with her joy instead of connecting with my judgment about the source of my pain, I may be able to truly meet her and together, we might find joy!

I just returned from an incredible adventure on the Yampa River.  With 16 other folks, I spent 6 days camping out and rafting down the river.  This was a first for me and my 9 year old daughter.  I was worried how things would go and yet it became clear, right away, that we were both in our element.  I learned a lot about the river and how she handles deep emotion.  I was told, if we went into a hole that we were supposed to ball up into a little ball and surrender, allowing the river to take us to the bottom and then she would spit us out.   The challenge was to surrender and not struggle to get to the top, which is the initial instinct.   This metaphor struck me deeply for this is what is required when sitting with intense emotions.

When we feel our discomfort, in relation to our children’s behavior, we fall into a hole.  We struggle and resist and do everything we can including, consequencing, controlling and shaming the behavior as we struggle to pop ourselves out of the emotional hole we are in.  And yet, the work is to curl into that ball and surrender as we allow the emotions to take us to the bottom of the hole, and then pop us back out.  Instead of struggling to control the behavior or trying to get our child to rescue us we must go to the bottom of the hole in ourselves and penetrate the limiting belief that creates the intense emotion.   How poignant for we may have avoided this emotional hole for a lifetime.  Our children are sure to show us the holes we have tried to escape and give us the opportunity to learn a new way of riding the waves.

Looking at our judgments and perceptions, in relation, to our children’s behavior is a great place to see how difficult it is to accept what is.  Because of our conditioning and our deep beliefs, we have ideas of “how” our children should behave.  A lot of these perceptions are rooted in “what will other people think”.

I hear so many moms, saying that when they are at home, they are much more open to their child’s expression.  When they begin to feel their own discomfort, in relation to a behavior, they are more capable of relaxing and questioning their own judgments when in their own safe space.  And yet, as soon as their child exhibits, the same behavior, out in public all the relaxation and curiosity go out the window.  They immediately regress, into a strong need, to please the external pressure, and often forget that their child is the one who needs them.

I know I’ve been there and when talking with my daughter after wards, she is able to express to me how she feels I choose the other over her.  She doesn’t feel that I am her champion supporting her, because in my fear of being seen as a “bad” mom I choose them over her.  Instead of loving what is, I want to control what is so that I can feel better.  In my attempt to take care of my need, the one person, that I want to be there for feels I have left her.

So, learning to attune to our own internal states, under stress, will allow us to embrace a more “loving” state, joining with what truly is.

The number one key in love-based parenting is seeing your relationship with your child as the priority. Our children are able to read our energetic messages that we are sending them more than our words. How many times have you been calm and collective, on the outside and boiling on the inside in response to an unwanted behavior? Which one do you think your child feels?

We have been taught to focus on behavior and if we can stop them through consequences, punishing , timing out or withdrawing love, then the goal has been met. Unfortunately, what has been compromised is the loving relationship with our child. Instead of seeing us as understanding and capable of taking care of their needs. They quickly learn, that they are responsible for making us happy. This motivates children to please or on the other hand become defiant and aggressive and act out. Both, are ways of coping when their needs are not met.

Love-based parenting requires us to look at our relationship with ourselves. We must look at our agendas and see if our needs, for them to behave, are more important than their needs to be seen, heard and validated. Children are naturally dependent on us and it is our responsibility to meet their needs. This doesn’t mean that our needs are not important, it is critical though, to see that we can take care of our needs and not put them in the hands of our child. When we do this, we are making them the parent. So, through this journey, as a loving parent, we will be led back into our own childhood and how our needs may not have been met. The beauty, as an adult, is that we have the full capacity to get those needs met, in a mature way, and therefore we can show up for our child as the loving adult they need. Example tomorrow!

Today we will be talking about what Joy-Based Parenting is. To do this we must fist define the word love in the context we will be using. We often think of love, for our child, as “caring” for them but in the dictionary care, the noun, is defined as “a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern” . Even though, we feel many of these things, in relation to our children, they all have more to do with the head than the heart. Love is not an emotion.

Unconditional love describes neutrality-the absence of judgments, censorship, desire and worry. This is why it is so critical, that we reference back to our own experience in relation to our child’s behavior. If I am feeling, judgmental, critical or worried in relation to my daughters behavior, she is going to feel the energy of these emotions and I know that I am not going to make a “loving” move toward her. I may get her to stop a behavior, that causes me discomfort, and yet the price I pay is her feeling controlled and misunderstood. This creates a fear response, in her, and a move away from me since I am not a safe emotional presence. Energetically, this is actually appropriate because she is reading the energy of my emotional state, which doesn’t attract her toward me but repels her away.

Even though I may defend and justify my actions, as caring, I am always left with a feeling that I just used “love” as a commodity, to get my daughter to do what I wanted her to do. My heart hurts, and then my own judgments and criticisms of myself take precedent. A vicious energetic cycle begins, and then “fear” pushes us both further from each other, while “love” is just a moment away for it always exist, even when the illusion of fear is present. Stepping into my love and therefore moving to a more neutral space, within myself, allows me to reach out again and open the door to my heart. Example tomorrow!