Families often ask me if they parent this way how will it turn out? Will their child be responsible, loving, kind and hard working? Will they learn the difference between right and wrong? Will they get into a good college? Most of these questions are based on future fears.
Of course we all want our children to be healthy and happy. What we sometimes have trouble seeing is our conditioning, which tells us what has to happen to ensure this taking place. We often forget that the main ingredient for creating a healthy, happy individual is the capacity to self-regulate our emotions and be resilient in the face of challenges. How does this happen?
Creating a safe emotional environment for your children to process all emotions that arise is critical. We are conditioned to think negative emotions are somehow less desirable than positive ones so when our children express their discomfort it often triggers ours. If we weren’t raised in a home where all emotions were seen and heard we are more likely to shut down our child’s emotions that cause discomfort in us.
When we begin to trust that creating this environment for our children is even more important than controlling their behavior we begin to relax. In the relaxation we are able to actually see the truth of what our children are expressing.
Instead of thinking they are trying to manipulate or control us we begin to see a child who is communicating their needs to us in the only way they know how. They express through their behavior. It is our job to interpret the communication and attend to the need instead of controlling the behavior. To do this we must understand ourselves while becoming a safe person for our child.
So, the question remains. How will they turn out? The truth is I don’t know and when I let go of the future and return to the present, loving and listening to my child no matter what, I rest in the knowing that in this moment she is OK and so am I.