Tag Archive: Connection

I Can’t Do This Anymore

February 5th, 2012 blog, Connection, Joy Based Parenting, Unconditional Love No comments

So many times I hear parents say, “I can’t do this anymore.”  They feel like they are at the end of their rope and they are always talking about what they are doing with their child.  The problem is they still think the child needs to change and not them. 

When I hear this phrase I ask them “When she does that what do you do?”   This is the true question.  When she does that I do this!  When parents can name what they are doing in reaction to their child then the true work begins. 

The only thing you have to focus on is what you are doing not what your child is doing.  You truly have the power to not do what is causing you suffering.  You don’t have the power to change someone else so you don’t have to do what you are doing. 

This is always an empowering step when parents truly realize they CAN stop doing what they are doing.  This is where the power lies and as they become honest with themselves and begin shifting their behavior miracles happen. 

So, when you hear yourself say, “I can’t do this anymore” take heart and listen to yourself.  STOP what you are doing to cause your suffering.  When you return to joy your child will follow!  

 

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I Don’t Know

December 6th, 2011 blog, Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice, Unconditional Love No comments

Families often ask me if they parent this way how will it turn out?  Will their child be responsible, loving, kind and hard working?  Will they learn the difference between right and wrong?  Will they get into a good college?  Most of these questions are based on future fears. 

Of course we all want our children to be healthy and happy.  What we sometimes have trouble seeing is our conditioning, which tells us what has to happen to ensure this taking place.  We often forget that the main ingredient for creating a healthy, happy individual is the capacity to self-regulate our emotions and be resilient in the face of challenges. How does this happen?

Creating a safe emotional environment for your children to process all emotions that arise is critical.  We are conditioned to think negative emotions are somehow less desirable than positive ones so when our children express their discomfort it often triggers ours.  If we weren’t raised in a home where all emotions were seen and heard we are more likely to shut down our child’s emotions that cause discomfort in us. 

When we begin to trust that creating this environment for our children is even more important than controlling their behavior we begin to relax.  In the relaxation we are able to actually see the truth of what our children are expressing. 

Instead of thinking they are trying to manipulate or control us we begin to see a child who is communicating their needs to us in the only way they know how. They express through their behavior.  It is our job to interpret the communication and attend to the need instead of controlling the behavior. To do this we must understand ourselves while becoming a safe person for our child. 

So, the question remains.  How will they turn out?  The truth is I don’t know and when I let go of the future and return to the present, loving and listening to my child no matter what, I rest in the knowing that in this moment she is OK and so am I.   

 

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Walkin The Talk

November 13th, 2011 Connection, Joy Based Parenting, Unconditional Love No comments

“Anything that bothers you is only a problem within.  Only you can experience it and only you can correct it“  Wayne Dyer

Embracing a new way of parenting can seem daunting when it comes to implementing the shifts int0 real-time parenting.  With the dawn of Facebook there is more inspiration and guidance available on a daily basis.

Anytime during the day I can click on a page and read something that resonates deeply with how I want to parent, how I want to treat my daughter and how I want to treat myself.  Putting the knowledge into practice is where the rubber meets the road.

I have been a seeker as long as I can remember.  Always seeking knowledge, spiritual guidance, therapy and anything inspirational to support me in looking at my blind sides, awaken to my beauty and be all that I am.

When I sit in front of a teacher or a therapist I am open and willing to see my conditioning and take responsibility for what I have created.  This is why I go.  I pay money and feel tremendous gratitude to those who support me in uncovering my beliefs that aren’t serving my higher good.

The question I ask myself and you is then why are we not bowing down to our children for they are showing us our triggers daily.  Instead of saying thank you and looking at our part we have the tendency to get angry with them, shame or blame them for causing our pain, instead of highlighting it, and will do just about anything to move away from the discomfort as it arises.

It is easy to sit in front of the guru asking to see any obstacles that keep us from awakening.  I doubt any of us would send the guru to his room or yell at him for showing us a part of ourselves that we knew was obstructing love.  And yet, we do this with our children in the name of teaching them a lesson or thinking we know what is best for them.  This is conditioning not who we are.

Walking the talk means really seeing our children as the guru.  They arrive innocent and pure, open and willing to reflect love.  They aren’t manipulating, conniving or out to make us mad.   They have needs and when they conflict with our needs this is when it is time to go inside.  The feelings are within you.  The problem is within you and only you can walk the talk in this moment.

Instead of trying to get our kids to walk the talk, we must slow down and take the time to go within.  We must question the conditioning we have learned and truly meet ourselves in love instead of trying to control our children so we feel loved.  I’m not saying it is easy!  I’m saying it is time to up the ante and stop looking outside for the guru in hopes that once we are whole we will be the loving parents we are.  Practice in your own home.

It’s time to meet the guru…..you live with her!

“Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us.” Pema Chodron

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Connecting vs Controlling

October 4th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Unconditional Love 3 Comments

We feel seen and heard in the arms of connection.  One of my clients expressed it so beautifully when he said, “I just want my dad to connect with my heart instead of my head.”

Over and over this young man feels missed and doesn’t know how to find that connection inside.  Whenever he brings up deep emotional issues he feels his dad moves into a controlling posture and all the young man hears is that he is not good enough and must try harder.

Have you ever been there?  I know I have.  So, the question is how do we connect in the middle of a behavior that begs for control?

First, we must sit with our internal discomfort that arises when a certain behavior triggers a story in us.  Instead of acting on the discomfort and controlling the behavior we must connect with our story that is driving the discomfort.

Then we must ask is it true?  Most of our stories are ones we learned from our upbringing and are often based on the notion that we must control behavior or our children will be out of control and we will be looked on as “bad” parents.  When we connect with this story we are driven to control our child.

What we miss is the connection with our child and their needs in that moment.  We must ask ourselves what is going on in this moment and how can I connect with my child’s discomfort and support them in feeling safe and loved?

Instead we often take care of our own discomfort by thinking the child is causing it and then controlling them so they can fix our pain.

What this teaches our child is that they are responsible for our pain and now they need to fix it.

I’ve worked with tons of parents and this is NEVER the message they want to give their children and yet unless they question their story and move toward connection in the moment, they inadvertently do just this.

When you are committed to working with your discomfort, calming yourself and  being willing to ignore behavior and move toward connection this is when the miracles happen.

When you are triggered:  If the behavior is not dangerous IMMEDIATELY move to a safe space (I head toward the couch).  Sit yourself down and spend 90 seconds breathing and being with the feelings that are arising.  See if you are willing to hear the story without acting it out with your child.  Put your hand on your heart and soothe you returning to a place of connection and peace.  Let your child off the hook (if the behavior is dangerous make sure your child is safe).  Take the time to comfort yourself knowing if you do you will be able to show up for your child and their needs.

Remember this is a practice and over time it gets easier and easier.

 

 

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Everyone Matters

September 29th, 2011 Parenting Advice 2 Comments

Here is a beautiful story written by my friend Bruce Scott.

Check out his work at http://www.brucescott.org/.

EVERYONE MATTERS:  Bruce Scott              9/2011

What if everything–every so-called little thing mattered?

What if the children in our lives mattered so much that our every tone of voice and response came from respect, awe, wonder and exquisite sensitivity?

Maybe the essence of us, no matter our age, self identity, gender or belief of who we think we are, rests on a foundation of wanting to matter to others.  Really matter.  Not just pretend matter, but we knew inside ourselves that it mattered that we were in this world.  How would it feel to know we mattered to those close to us…..and we knew inside ourselves deeply, that we mattered, even if others did not see it?

How would I come through for others, show up, be available, care, and feel safe, if I knew I mattered.  Not necessarily for my skills, money, or no money, or who I know or how I look, but because I exist.   What if I knew you really “saw” me inside behind my personality, and sometimes disturbing behaviors.

What would that have been like as a child to know deeply that we mattered?  What would that be like now knowing that others see us, inside and out, and they smile?  Maybe all the disturbing behaviors between relationships and between children and adults is, at some level, wanting to feel connected to others?   If I am a child, I want to know that I am more than a child that needs to be educated, and learn stuff all the time, scheduled, prodded to do more, always improve…believing I am never quite good enough…not yet.

Maybe there is a universal innocent one inside all of us, asking only to be touched kindly, held, emotionally and physically, and appreciated for being alive, warm and breathing.

 

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Guilt Be Gone

September 27th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Unconditional Love 4 Comments

I used to be plagued with guilt when I fell short of my parenting ideal.  I had been conditioned to believe that I could and would be the “perfect” mom.  I had spent years learning how to control my behavior and my temper so was shocked and filled with guilt when rage entered into my parenting experience.  It became my deep dark secret that I didn’t want anyone to know.  My self-worth depended on me being a “good” girl who always behaved and I couldn’t seem to stop.

I couldn’t believe that after all my years of therapy and spiritual growth that I found myself feeling such rage in the face of my 6 year old not listening.  I was shocked that her determination and strong will threatened my well being.  I was at a loss as to how to control my “not so pretty” behavior, let alone control hers.

I was filled with guilt and shame and the more I felt it the more I had.  Finally I realized that it wasn’t serving me or my daughter.  I had to learn to detach my behavior from my self-worth.  Yes, when I was stressed and feeling out of control I acted out.  Yes, when I felt helpless and not listened to I yelled.  That didn’t mean I was a worthless mother who was ruining my child.  That meant I was stressed and didn’t know how to deal.

As I began to understand that these behaviors were triggered by stress, not by my lack of worth, things began to shift.  Miraculously, I began to see my daughter’s behaviors as stress responses and realized they had nothing to do with her worth.  I was able to open to an unconditional love of all emotions and in doing so was able to release my guilt.  This allowed me to show up for her in a loving way.

Grace entered our house and we both learned how to express our emotions without hurting ourselves or anyone else.  I had to go first since she was learning from me.  As I softened and realized when I was off it was just an indicator of my stress level, I was able to nurture and love myself instead of falling into a pit of guilt and shame.

We both still fall short of “perfection” but have learned how to return to love in an instant.  What a gift.

 

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What to Say?

September 11th, 2011 Parenting Advice 1 Comment

Every weekend I sit down to write a post for my blog.  During the week there always seems to be a story or an experience to share.  So, I’ve been surprised that each time I sat down, during the last month, nothing came.  Nothing to say!  Hmmmmm!  Curiosity awakens as this new experience unfolds.

As I sit, I realize that I usually talk about my struggles and how I work with myself in relation to my discomfort in parenting.  Truth be told over the last month there has been very little struggle and lots of connection and joy in both me and my daughter.  Funny how this hasn’t seemed as interesting to write.

This week, while talking to a friend, she asked, “why don’t you share this side?”  I immediately thought no one would be interested.  They just want to hear about the struggle.  Well, this caught me by surprise because I call my work Purejoy!  Clearly, I’ve been more interested in the struggle and have a hard time finding words for the ease and joy I have been experiencing as a parent.

I know the story of “struggle” by heart and have identified myself as someone who always rises above but the cost of fighting has taken its toll.  Sitting in the quiet relaxed field of “being” has awakened a tenderness I must have hidden as a child.  Even as I write this I find myself weeping, with joy, at the gift I have received this last month.  My heart has opened and the struggle abated and I find joy and laughter filling our home.

So, here I am writing about joy!  I found my way and I know you can too.  Loving yourself in all your fullness, light and dark, will take you home.

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What Now?

July 19th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

Have you read countless parenting books on how to GET your child to behave.  Have you been taught how to control her, how to manipulate her to do what you think is best all in the name of being a good parent.  She needs limits, she needs boundaries, she needs to hear NO…you’ve heard so much about what you need to do to her but what about you?

Where are you in the picture?

I remember feeling this way when I first started my parenting journey.   No matter how hard I tried to follow the parenting suggestions, I would find myself yelling, controlling, using rewards and punishment and then feeling guilt and shame for losing my connection with my daughter.  I was as sincere as they come.  I would have done anything, and I have, to create a loving home filled with harmony and grace.

When I finally realized that I was the one who was struggling and turned the light back on my behavior things began to drastically change.  I began to notice that my daughter was fine as long as I was fine.  I noticed that when I was stressed and impatient she got stressed and defiant. ( mirror neurons)

Over time I became aware of how important my regulation was for her.  Instead of trying to control her behavior I began to really take notice of what was going on inside me.  Shifting the focus from external to internal took time.  I thought I was supposed to focus on her but what I forgot is that my perception was all about me.  Until I could see clearly what was happening in me I couldn’t really see what was happening in her.

Learning to sit with my discomfort, own my feelings and really find my sanctuary inside was critical and it was hard to find.  I’d been trained to believe that she was the cause of my discomfort and being a “good” parent meant controlling her.  All the books said so!  Actually, it is the opposite.  Your discomfort is yours and you have the power and presence to be with YOU!

Once you have moved back into a place of peace then you can truly see your child and the innocence of their behavior.  Then you can offer understanding, love and connection.  It is amazing to see how quickly a negative behavior will vanish in the face of love!

Step to follow when feeling discomfort:

  • Recognize the feeling is inside you and know your child is not the cause
  • Turn your focus internal instead of outward
  • Take a deep breath and ignore the behavior unless danger is involved
  • Put your hand on your heart
  • Love what is going on inside you
  • Soothe, soothe, soothe
  • Once regulated then make a loving connection with your child

 

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