Tag Archive: Connection

What Now?

July 19th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

Have you read countless parenting books on how to GET your child to behave.  Have you been taught how to control her, how to manipulate her to do what you think is best all in the name of being a good parent.  She needs limits, she needs boundaries, she needs to hear NO…you’ve heard so much about what you need to do to her but what about you?

Where are you in the picture?

I remember feeling this way when I first started my parenting journey.   No matter how hard I tried to follow the parenting suggestions, I would find myself yelling, controlling, using rewards and punishment and then feeling guilt and shame for losing my connection with my daughter.  I was as sincere as they come.  I would have done anything, and I have, to create a loving home filled with harmony and grace.

When I finally realized that I was the one who was struggling and turned the light back on my behavior things began to drastically change.  I began to notice that my daughter was fine as long as I was fine.  I noticed that when I was stressed and impatient she got stressed and defiant. ( mirror neurons)

Over time I became aware of how important my regulation was for her.  Instead of trying to control her behavior I began to really take notice of what was going on inside me.  Shifting the focus from external to internal took time.  I thought I was supposed to focus on her but what I forgot is that my perception was all about me.  Until I could see clearly what was happening in me I couldn’t really see what was happening in her.

Learning to sit with my discomfort, own my feelings and really find my sanctuary inside was critical and it was hard to find.  I’d been trained to believe that she was the cause of my discomfort and being a “good” parent meant controlling her.  All the books said so!  Actually, it is the opposite.  Your discomfort is yours and you have the power and presence to be with YOU!

Once you have moved back into a place of peace then you can truly see your child and the innocence of their behavior.  Then you can offer understanding, love and connection.  It is amazing to see how quickly a negative behavior will vanish in the face of love!

Step to follow when feeling discomfort:

  • Recognize the feeling is inside you and know your child is not the cause
  • Turn your focus internal instead of outward
  • Take a deep breath and ignore the behavior unless danger is involved
  • Put your hand on your heart
  • Love what is going on inside you
  • Soothe, soothe, soothe
  • Once regulated then make a loving connection with your child

 

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Purejoy Parenting: Separation Dance

June 16th, 2011 Parenting Advice No comments

When I was asked by PBS to write a blog post around attachment I chose to share the story about my journey with anxious attachment and parenting. http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/anxious-attachment-heaven-hell-and-back-again .

In writing the post I was able to see more clearly how my anxiety around loss plays a big part in our overall dance.  My daughter came with her own story of loss since she was an orphan and had been in a Chinese orphanage for 9 months before we met.  Together, we have elements of loss in our relational dance.

Yesterday she went on a trip with friends to a hot springs.  This was first time she would be gone for two nights without being able to make contact, since cell phones don’t work at the springs.

We were both excited for her to go since a lot of her friends were going and she knew everyone on the trip.  For days, ahead of time, she was packing and getting excited about the adventure.  I was also excited about having 2 days to rest, play and have “me” time.

All sounds wonderful, yes?

I forgot about the separation dance so when I woke up yesterday and went in her room to say good morning and get a cuddle, she asked me to leave.  WHAM!  Before I knew it, I engaged the “I’m not important” move and pouted my way out the door.  This engaged her, “Better take care of mom” move and she called me back.

I countered with my “I’m fine” move and she easily moved into her “I’m fine” right back atcha!  Oh, the dreaded separation dance had begun.  The rest of the morning we moved from anger to neediness to control.

Fortunately, a light bulb went off and I was able to name that we were doing the Separation Dance.  We both sighed with relief and began talking about how scary it is to be away from each other without being able to make contact.  Once we were able to talk about it we both relaxed and decided to do our best to stay connected without trying to mitigate the pain of separation.  It was powerful to consciously move toward a different dance.

After she left, I was left with my worry of losing her and during the night I was able to connect the dots to when my mother went away on a trip and didn’t come back.  I was able to hold myself during the night and remember that I didn’t have to connect that memory with NOW.  For in the now my daughter was on a beautiful trip, having fun with her friends and I was safe at home enjoying my time.  I could actually focus on the joy instead of connecting with the pain of the past.

Ah….a new dance move in the works.

 

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Purejoy Parenting: Ouch! My toe hurts

June 2nd, 2011 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice 4 Comments

Yesterday,  as I was getting ready I put my foot into my pants.  As my foot traveled down the leg of the pant my toenail caught on a thread.  When my foot came out the other end my toenail had pulled almost completely off.  I know, I know, you can gag now!

When I looked down I almost fainted as I felt the excruciating pain flood through my body.  It looked worse than it was but triggered all kinds of stories, rising up from the bottom of my memory bank.  Some of the crazy thoughts that ran through my head were “I can’t trust life.  Just when I’m feeling on top of the world something BAD happens,”  “It’s all my fault, I should have clipped my toenails”, ” I have to keep it together because no one will be there to help.”  Flashes, feelings, memories came rushing in.

My daughter just sat there doing nothing.  She mentioned that I might want to get the first aid kit but she didn’t run down the stairs, administer to my wounds and hold me in my fear.  Darnit!  Hadn’t I taught her this was her job?  (Now remember, in the paragraph above I mentioned that I had to keep it together and no one would be there to help?”)  Here I was reliving my old, old, story and she was playing the PERFECT part.

Inside I was screaming and yet outside I looked like the cool, calm collective mom that she knows so well.  As I sucked it up and went downstairs to get a band aid she walked right by me and got something to eat.  Well, I lost it…I NEEDED her to have compassion, I NEEDED her to administer to my wound, I was outraged and said, “I guess I can just get my own band aid.”

This triggered her and she slammed the kitchen counter and started stomping up the stairs.  CUT!  OK, this scene was clearly not working.  It was playing out just like it had when I was young but this wasn’t my mother ignoring me, this was my precious daughter who I had cast in the evil role.

As I gathered myself I said, “Stop, come here.”  Hesitantly she came over…I took her in my arms and said, “Honey, I’m hurt and I’m scared but I know you love me and its really hard for me to let you in right now.”  She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, “yeh, mom I don’t know what to do when you are hurt because I get so scared.”  Whoa…in that moment all my pain subsided because I had reached out and made a connection with my daughter.

As I opened to her love, she got the first aid kit and lovingly dressed my toe.  I was able to let her shower me with kindness which is innate in her when she is not scared.  Even in this painful moment, as I opened to connection, instead of acting out my old wounded past, I was soothed. I was touched and together we found our way through.  What a gift!

PRACTICE: Remember when you are playing out an old story you might cast your child in a role, leaving the present moment and reliving the past.  Slowing down expressing what you are feeling and saying “I know you love me” will return you to the present moment.  This will allow you to move back into relationship, with your child, instead of your story!

 

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I am scared

April 9th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 2 Comments

Today, we woke up a little late and I didn’t look at the clock until 15 minutes before we needed to leave the house. Before then, I’d been going slow, having my tea and enjoying the pace of the morning. I still remember looking at the clock and feeling as if a switch had been turned on. I moved into a state of fear. Fear of being late, fear of not getting back in time for my session, which led to fear of not making enough money to pay my mortgage, which led to fear of losing my house, which led to fear of being destitute, which led to its all up to me, which led to this is too much, which led to I can’t do this, which led to yelling at my daughter to hurry up, which triggered her fear, which fueled mine which ignited a fire that swept through the house consuming us both raging and destroying anything in its path. You or me babe, one of us is going down and if I go I’m taking you with me. Whew!!!!

Did I really sign up for this? Yes, yes, yes and yes for LOVE can contain the greatest fire of all. Right in the middle of the hottest moment, I let go, I threw my hands up and laid my fear in the fire surrendering it all. I collapsed on my couch, opening to all the feelings that came rushing in begging for love. And in a moment love appeared catching me in her loving grip, embracing all that I’d held down for a life time. All that was left was a calm I can’t even describe. I moved toward my daughter and guided her out of the danger zone and into the arms of love.

As we were driving she asked me why I had to book a session right after dropping her off. She wanted to know couldn’t I make one later? I heard myself begin to explain that I had to work when folks could come, and I needed the work to pay for our house and then suddenly I stopped. Maybe even this isn’t true I thought. Maybe even this has been based in fear. I looked back at her and said, “Maybe, I don’t even have to work, maybe even this I can hand to the angels.” She looked at me and said, “Who are those guys?” LOL Smiling inside, I thought to myself, I see them everywhere. They are my friends who offer so much support, they are my mom’s group who share so openly, they are my parents who have demanded so little of me in these last years, they are the trees and the flowers that bring such delight….They are everywhere, when I really open and let them in. Opening to fear, sharing it with you allows me to soften, feel tender and take your hand….you too are my angel.

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I Don’t Want To Go Until You Don’t

April 1st, 2011 Single Parenting, Unconditional Love 3 Comments

Yesterday I was tired and hungry and called to my daughter to see if she was ready to go to lunch. She came storming down the stairs saying, “I can’t go until I wash my hair.” Now she had all morning to wash her hair but as soon as I was ready to go she wasn’t. She screamed, she cried, she said, “I can’t go out with my hair like this.” Now, I’m hungry and I know she wants me to trim her hair. I REALLY want to get some food in my belly before I touch the scissors but NOOOO she wants me to do it NOW!

BIG FEELINGS are racing around our house threatening to explode and take us both down. She is expressing hers, I’m sitting on the couch watching mine explode inside. I know if I don’t work with them, I’ll act out the dreaded control move and before I know it I’ll hear myself saying ” you better listen to me, young lady and get ready to go, right now.” ……… Oh, thank goodness I know this one well and decide to hold my ground, breathing, and opening to her expression. “I can do this”, I’m telling myself, “I can stay right here and attend to my BIG feelings. She’s ok, I’m ok, we’ll make it through this.”

She storms up the stairs….screaming she hates me as she goes….I sit on the couch, breathing, checking in to see what is really going on inside. I am hungry and I decide I’m not up for a battle so decide I will make food at home. I yell up that I am making lunch and whamo….She comes running down the stairs saying, “I want to go, I want to go to lunch.” Oh my, here we are on the other side….Again, I breathe, relax into making food and tell her I am staying home and cooking.

She runs back up the stairs, crying and yelling at me….I slow everything down, inside, and begin cooking and oh how good the food smells. I keep returning to the sensations and smells in the moment. Breathing, relaxing. Next thing I know she is coming back downstairs and I tell her I am cooking her some Mac & Cheese… She says, “Thanks mom, I think I’m going to cook you some eggs.” We both looked at each other and start laughing…”Boy” she says, “We sure are cranky when we are both hungry.”

Another adventure in riding the wave of BIG feelings. I’ve learned, from years of practice, that if I will ride the wave, inside me instead of trying to control her behavior, that we move through within a few minutes. It’s a process and I’ve learned to trust it, staying in the moment, knowing its only feelings and when there is space for all of them, gratitude always shows up on the other side.

Practice: If your child exhibits BIG feelings over something trivial see if you can shine the light on what is going on inside you instead of controlling the behavior. Stay with yourself, watching the feelings rise, loving them and giving them space…Stay connected with you and see what happens.

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It Looks Different Than I Thought It Would Look

February 5th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

As my daughter grows and expands her circle of friends and influence, I feel less connected. When I become aware the connection is shifting a part of me begins to panic. As I feel this panic rising up, ready to grab me, I start scrambling to re-connect with my daughter. The problem is that I try to connect in the old ways and when she doesn’t respond I start feeling like I must be doing something “wrong”. This feeling only exacerbates my fear and I start getting needy and desperate for her to connect instead of connecting with myself and my fear. No matter what I offer, to her, from this place she politely says, no! Back to the drawing board…..

When I deeply penetrate, the fear inside, I can see it has nothing to do with the connection with my daughter. It has to do with the shifting connection with me. I’ve been there for her 24/7, for 10 years now, and things are shifting for me also. I’m beginning to expand my circle of friends and influence and it feels great! It doesn’t mean that I have less LOVE to give my daughter. It does mean less one on one time together but the real truth is I have even more to give. As I return to a deeper holding, of myself, I expand my capacity to hold her. The paradox is that even though we have less physical time together, we are experiencing a deeper love than I thought possible.

When I let go of my guilt, shame or any idea of how it is supposed to look, and tap into the feeling, I experience peace and joy. We are growing up together. What a miracle.

Practice: If you are feeling less connection, than you desire, with your child take time to see what is truly going on inside. How is your connection with you and your truth? If you feel guilt or shame, connect with those feelings and see what is underneath. Keep dropping under the feelings, connecting with the deeper love that always exist.

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Connection

November 6th, 2010 Parenting Advice No comments

Being open and responsive to our child’s need can be challenging when we are struggling with our own. When I’m stressed out and haven’t resourced I have a hard time seeing my daughter’s need as anything except one more thing I’m responsible for. I shut down and flip a switch which says “take care of yourself, or even worse take care of me.” Our connection suffers and I’m always left feeling alone and like a “bad” mama.

Connecting, with my needs, can be challenging since I can convince myself other people’s needs are more important than mine. Just one more thing, I tell myself, then I’ll take care of me. Learning to listen to my body and my triggers has helped me understand how important it is to connect with myself first. When I do, I’m able to give my daughter the open loving connection she is seeking.

You have the capacity to hold yourself and your child. You may have a pattern which keeps this from happening but the truth is you are enough and have enough for you and your child. Learning to flip the switch toward self care and love can happen with awareness and connecting with how important your well being is to you and your child.

Practice: Do a little wellness check with yourself each day. See if you can notice times of the day when you feel resourced and connected. Ask yourself what needs are being taken care of. Then notice times when your feel least resourced. Ask yourself what needs you are forgoing and take a moment to give to yourself.

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All I Want Is To Connect

June 13th, 2010 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice No comments


Often when trying to control behavior we forget to tune in to our need to connect from the heart. When we see, our children, doing something that causes us discomfort, we often
connect with our desire for them to change instead of our desire to connect with their need.

When we see start seeing behavior, as a communication we begin to see our child’s desire to connect in a new way. All behavior is trying to inform us of what we are connected to inside. If your child is struggling inside they may connect outside in a way that you may judge as misbehavior and therefore want to control.

Practice: Today when you reach out to your child, to connect, and they ignore you, or connect in a way that causes you discomfort………Pause……See if you can make a choice to connect with your heart, instead of demanding that they connect with you in the way you want before opening your heart.

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