Tag Archive: daughter

I Don’t Know

December 6th, 2011 blog, Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice, Unconditional Love No comments

Families often ask me if they parent this way how will it turn out?  Will their child be responsible, loving, kind and hard working?  Will they learn the difference between right and wrong?  Will they get into a good college?  Most of these questions are based on future fears. 

Of course we all want our children to be healthy and happy.  What we sometimes have trouble seeing is our conditioning, which tells us what has to happen to ensure this taking place.  We often forget that the main ingredient for creating a healthy, happy individual is the capacity to self-regulate our emotions and be resilient in the face of challenges. How does this happen?

Creating a safe emotional environment for your children to process all emotions that arise is critical.  We are conditioned to think negative emotions are somehow less desirable than positive ones so when our children express their discomfort it often triggers ours.  If we weren’t raised in a home where all emotions were seen and heard we are more likely to shut down our child’s emotions that cause discomfort in us. 

When we begin to trust that creating this environment for our children is even more important than controlling their behavior we begin to relax.  In the relaxation we are able to actually see the truth of what our children are expressing. 

Instead of thinking they are trying to manipulate or control us we begin to see a child who is communicating their needs to us in the only way they know how. They express through their behavior.  It is our job to interpret the communication and attend to the need instead of controlling the behavior. To do this we must understand ourselves while becoming a safe person for our child. 

So, the question remains.  How will they turn out?  The truth is I don’t know and when I let go of the future and return to the present, loving and listening to my child no matter what, I rest in the knowing that in this moment she is OK and so am I.   

 

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Will They Do The “Right” Thing?

November 27th, 2011 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice 1 Comment

I find it extremely challenging to trust that my daughter will do the “right” thing if I don’t constantly remind her or hold her to my standard.  So, as a parent, I made a choice not to take over my daughter’s business and trust that she will do the “right” thing for her.  It hasn’t been easy to sit with my discomfort when she says “no” to a request from a friend.   What I have found is that she does have her own internal knowing and when I get out of the way she has a chance to own her decisions.

She babysits for a little girl in our neighborhood every Wednesday morning.  This little girl adores my daughter and looks forward to their time together.  Two weeks ago my daughter had an opportunity to spend the day with an adult friend of mine instead of babysitting.  She easily called the little girl and told her she wouldn’t be able to watch her.  The little girl was sad and wanted to know why?  My daughter explained but still decided to go with my friend.

Part of me wanted to hold her to her responsibility and yet I left the decision up to her.  It was challenging since I know the mother of the little girl and wanted to take care of her.  (my old care taking mode cropping up) I held my ground and let my daughter take care of herself.

This week the same situation arose.  As she contemplated the day she all of a sudden said, “Oh, I’m supposed to watch M on Wednesday. I’ll just have to let her know I can’t.”  I told her she needed to call M and let her know.  I thought this was the end of it until a few minutes later she comes down and tells me she is going to my friends tonight and tomorrow.  I ask her why the change?  She says, “M really likes when I come to babysit her and I don’t want to disappoint her again.”  Well, lordy be.  She does know!  I had nothing to do with this whole encounter.

Learning to trust that your child will find their way can be one of the hardest aspects of parenting.  I promise you it is the BEST part when you can relax, honor their truth and know that they will do the “right” thing for them.

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Walkin The Talk

November 13th, 2011 Connection, Joy Based Parenting, Unconditional Love No comments

“Anything that bothers you is only a problem within.  Only you can experience it and only you can correct it“  Wayne Dyer

Embracing a new way of parenting can seem daunting when it comes to implementing the shifts int0 real-time parenting.  With the dawn of Facebook there is more inspiration and guidance available on a daily basis.

Anytime during the day I can click on a page and read something that resonates deeply with how I want to parent, how I want to treat my daughter and how I want to treat myself.  Putting the knowledge into practice is where the rubber meets the road.

I have been a seeker as long as I can remember.  Always seeking knowledge, spiritual guidance, therapy and anything inspirational to support me in looking at my blind sides, awaken to my beauty and be all that I am.

When I sit in front of a teacher or a therapist I am open and willing to see my conditioning and take responsibility for what I have created.  This is why I go.  I pay money and feel tremendous gratitude to those who support me in uncovering my beliefs that aren’t serving my higher good.

The question I ask myself and you is then why are we not bowing down to our children for they are showing us our triggers daily.  Instead of saying thank you and looking at our part we have the tendency to get angry with them, shame or blame them for causing our pain, instead of highlighting it, and will do just about anything to move away from the discomfort as it arises.

It is easy to sit in front of the guru asking to see any obstacles that keep us from awakening.  I doubt any of us would send the guru to his room or yell at him for showing us a part of ourselves that we knew was obstructing love.  And yet, we do this with our children in the name of teaching them a lesson or thinking we know what is best for them.  This is conditioning not who we are.

Walking the talk means really seeing our children as the guru.  They arrive innocent and pure, open and willing to reflect love.  They aren’t manipulating, conniving or out to make us mad.   They have needs and when they conflict with our needs this is when it is time to go inside.  The feelings are within you.  The problem is within you and only you can walk the talk in this moment.

Instead of trying to get our kids to walk the talk, we must slow down and take the time to go within.  We must question the conditioning we have learned and truly meet ourselves in love instead of trying to control our children so we feel loved.  I’m not saying it is easy!  I’m saying it is time to up the ante and stop looking outside for the guru in hopes that once we are whole we will be the loving parents we are.  Practice in your own home.

It’s time to meet the guru…..you live with her!

“Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us.” Pema Chodron

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Guilt Be Gone

September 27th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Unconditional Love 4 Comments

I used to be plagued with guilt when I fell short of my parenting ideal.  I had been conditioned to believe that I could and would be the “perfect” mom.  I had spent years learning how to control my behavior and my temper so was shocked and filled with guilt when rage entered into my parenting experience.  It became my deep dark secret that I didn’t want anyone to know.  My self-worth depended on me being a “good” girl who always behaved and I couldn’t seem to stop.

I couldn’t believe that after all my years of therapy and spiritual growth that I found myself feeling such rage in the face of my 6 year old not listening.  I was shocked that her determination and strong will threatened my well being.  I was at a loss as to how to control my “not so pretty” behavior, let alone control hers.

I was filled with guilt and shame and the more I felt it the more I had.  Finally I realized that it wasn’t serving me or my daughter.  I had to learn to detach my behavior from my self-worth.  Yes, when I was stressed and feeling out of control I acted out.  Yes, when I felt helpless and not listened to I yelled.  That didn’t mean I was a worthless mother who was ruining my child.  That meant I was stressed and didn’t know how to deal.

As I began to understand that these behaviors were triggered by stress, not by my lack of worth, things began to shift.  Miraculously, I began to see my daughter’s behaviors as stress responses and realized they had nothing to do with her worth.  I was able to open to an unconditional love of all emotions and in doing so was able to release my guilt.  This allowed me to show up for her in a loving way.

Grace entered our house and we both learned how to express our emotions without hurting ourselves or anyone else.  I had to go first since she was learning from me.  As I softened and realized when I was off it was just an indicator of my stress level, I was able to nurture and love myself instead of falling into a pit of guilt and shame.

We both still fall short of “perfection” but have learned how to return to love in an instant.  What a gift.

 

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What to Say?

September 11th, 2011 Parenting Advice 1 Comment

Every weekend I sit down to write a post for my blog.  During the week there always seems to be a story or an experience to share.  So, I’ve been surprised that each time I sat down, during the last month, nothing came.  Nothing to say!  Hmmmmm!  Curiosity awakens as this new experience unfolds.

As I sit, I realize that I usually talk about my struggles and how I work with myself in relation to my discomfort in parenting.  Truth be told over the last month there has been very little struggle and lots of connection and joy in both me and my daughter.  Funny how this hasn’t seemed as interesting to write.

This week, while talking to a friend, she asked, “why don’t you share this side?”  I immediately thought no one would be interested.  They just want to hear about the struggle.  Well, this caught me by surprise because I call my work Purejoy!  Clearly, I’ve been more interested in the struggle and have a hard time finding words for the ease and joy I have been experiencing as a parent.

I know the story of “struggle” by heart and have identified myself as someone who always rises above but the cost of fighting has taken its toll.  Sitting in the quiet relaxed field of “being” has awakened a tenderness I must have hidden as a child.  Even as I write this I find myself weeping, with joy, at the gift I have received this last month.  My heart has opened and the struggle abated and I find joy and laughter filling our home.

So, here I am writing about joy!  I found my way and I know you can too.  Loving yourself in all your fullness, light and dark, will take you home.

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How to Cure the Silent Treatment

August 6th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 6 Comments

I was talking with my daughter about a mom who was frustrated with her son for not helping more around the house.  I asked her what she thought was going on in that situation.  My daughter is 11 and very aware.  Here is her take on the situation.  She thought the kid was probably feeling the parents disappointment and when he felt the intensity he had to take care of himself so would probably move into the silent treatment. Wow!

Now this activated my curiosity and I said, “Hey, I need to write a new blog post and I’d love to hear your perspective.  Parents are very curious as to what is really going on inside and you might help some kids by giving us the inside story.  I asked her the following questions and here were her answers.

What causes the silent treatment?  The kid being mad at the parent

Usually what are they mad about?  The parent wants the kid to do what they want them to do

What do you think the silent treatment will do?  Keep the kid from having to answer questions they don’t want to answer or take care of the parent

Cure for the silent Treatment:

Be light and start laughing.   The kid starts laughing and it cures the silent treatment.

Now the cure surprised me because when she moves into the silent treatment the last thing I want to do is be light.  I kick into a belief that I’ve done something wrong and now I’m being rejected.  Yep!  It becomes all about me again!  So, the answer for me is to relax more, lighten up, when I feel stressed, and laugh a lot more!

I’m excited for the instruction!

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What Now?

July 19th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

Have you read countless parenting books on how to GET your child to behave.  Have you been taught how to control her, how to manipulate her to do what you think is best all in the name of being a good parent.  She needs limits, she needs boundaries, she needs to hear NO…you’ve heard so much about what you need to do to her but what about you?

Where are you in the picture?

I remember feeling this way when I first started my parenting journey.   No matter how hard I tried to follow the parenting suggestions, I would find myself yelling, controlling, using rewards and punishment and then feeling guilt and shame for losing my connection with my daughter.  I was as sincere as they come.  I would have done anything, and I have, to create a loving home filled with harmony and grace.

When I finally realized that I was the one who was struggling and turned the light back on my behavior things began to drastically change.  I began to notice that my daughter was fine as long as I was fine.  I noticed that when I was stressed and impatient she got stressed and defiant. ( mirror neurons)

Over time I became aware of how important my regulation was for her.  Instead of trying to control her behavior I began to really take notice of what was going on inside me.  Shifting the focus from external to internal took time.  I thought I was supposed to focus on her but what I forgot is that my perception was all about me.  Until I could see clearly what was happening in me I couldn’t really see what was happening in her.

Learning to sit with my discomfort, own my feelings and really find my sanctuary inside was critical and it was hard to find.  I’d been trained to believe that she was the cause of my discomfort and being a “good” parent meant controlling her.  All the books said so!  Actually, it is the opposite.  Your discomfort is yours and you have the power and presence to be with YOU!

Once you have moved back into a place of peace then you can truly see your child and the innocence of their behavior.  Then you can offer understanding, love and connection.  It is amazing to see how quickly a negative behavior will vanish in the face of love!

Step to follow when feeling discomfort:

  • Recognize the feeling is inside you and know your child is not the cause
  • Turn your focus internal instead of outward
  • Take a deep breath and ignore the behavior unless danger is involved
  • Put your hand on your heart
  • Love what is going on inside you
  • Soothe, soothe, soothe
  • Once regulated then make a loving connection with your child

 

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I’m Just Trying To Take Care Of Myself

July 4th, 2011 Parenting Advice 5 Comments

Last week I traveled to Mississippi, where I grew up, to spend the weekend with family.  When I enter into this space, I’m always struck by how easily I regress into my childhood stance.  Being aware of this, my senses were heightened and I made a mental note to be kind to myself along with all the players in my family drama.

On the plane I could feel the tension arising and had to consciously work with myself to breathe and open to a new possibility arising.  Every time I caught myself getting tight with my daughter, I would remind myself and her that I was feeling stressed about going home.  Just speaking the truth, easily returned me to the present moment and how much pleasure I was experiencing traveling with my girl.

With my awareness attuned, while watching myself closely,  I was able to stay open and present.  I was actually enjoying my time, basking in the joy of seeing how comfortable and confident my daughter was with my family.  All was going well until my mother made an innocent comment that triggered an old familiar response.  It only took a split second for my armor to engage and I immediately shot back a deflecting comment.  This gave me enough space to instantly bring in all my defenses and to withdraw my energy and get as small as possible.  As I peeked out of my safe space I re-enforced my position by judging and seeing my mom from an old lens.  As painful as it was, I was just trying to take care of myself.

Later, as I went to bed, I began to feel guilt and shame for shutting her out and began to beat myself up for not being more loving or kind.  The cycle was in full force.  Fortunately, I was able to slowly pull the lens back and got enough distance from the past to hold myself in the present.  With hand on heart, I was able to love the part of me that was doing all she could to take care of herself.  I was able to thank her for doing her best for I knew she was trying to protect my innocent nature.  I truly felt gratitude for this young part of myself that was just trying to take care of me.  As I soothed her and held her in love she began to soften, open and amazingly a deep full rich compassion arose for my mother.

With this new found depth of holding I was able to offer the same compassion to my daughter the next night.  She was feeling overwhelmed and needed some space.  When she gets this way she can get hard and cold and others experience her as mean.  I was able to see that she was just trying to take care of herself the only way she knew how.  As I sat with her, letting her know how beautiful she was and how I could see she was doing the best she could to take space she began to weep.  As she softened into my arms, we both felt held and the tenderness was beyond words.  We fell into the loving arms of a greater source and as we did our hearts opened allowing us to return to our family filled with love and joy.  What a miracle!

Practice:  Remember, we can only give our children what we are willing to give ourselves.  When you feel yourself moving into guilt or shame for how you have acted, see if you can place your hand on your heart and love the part of you that is trying to protect your innocence.  Give her the love she needs.  As you do, you will find a place inside that will see your child as trying to take care of herself instead of acting mean, or whatever you may see otherwise.  Offer her your loving heart and see what happens.

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