Tag Archive: daughter

Purejoy Parenting: Separation Dance

June 16th, 2011 Parenting Advice No comments

When I was asked by PBS to write a blog post around attachment I chose to share the story about my journey with anxious attachment and parenting. http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/anxious-attachment-heaven-hell-and-back-again .

In writing the post I was able to see more clearly how my anxiety around loss plays a big part in our overall dance.  My daughter came with her own story of loss since she was an orphan and had been in a Chinese orphanage for 9 months before we met.  Together, we have elements of loss in our relational dance.

Yesterday she went on a trip with friends to a hot springs.  This was first time she would be gone for two nights without being able to make contact, since cell phones don’t work at the springs.

We were both excited for her to go since a lot of her friends were going and she knew everyone on the trip.  For days, ahead of time, she was packing and getting excited about the adventure.  I was also excited about having 2 days to rest, play and have “me” time.

All sounds wonderful, yes?

I forgot about the separation dance so when I woke up yesterday and went in her room to say good morning and get a cuddle, she asked me to leave.  WHAM!  Before I knew it, I engaged the “I’m not important” move and pouted my way out the door.  This engaged her, “Better take care of mom” move and she called me back.

I countered with my “I’m fine” move and she easily moved into her “I’m fine” right back atcha!  Oh, the dreaded separation dance had begun.  The rest of the morning we moved from anger to neediness to control.

Fortunately, a light bulb went off and I was able to name that we were doing the Separation Dance.  We both sighed with relief and began talking about how scary it is to be away from each other without being able to make contact.  Once we were able to talk about it we both relaxed and decided to do our best to stay connected without trying to mitigate the pain of separation.  It was powerful to consciously move toward a different dance.

After she left, I was left with my worry of losing her and during the night I was able to connect the dots to when my mother went away on a trip and didn’t come back.  I was able to hold myself during the night and remember that I didn’t have to connect that memory with NOW.  For in the now my daughter was on a beautiful trip, having fun with her friends and I was safe at home enjoying my time.  I could actually focus on the joy instead of connecting with the pain of the past.

Ah….a new dance move in the works.

 

Tags: , , , ,

The Alchemy of a Major Spill

April 17th, 2011 Parenting Advice 12 Comments

I was beyond excited as my daughter took the green smoothie I’d just made. Over the last week she had been drinking them with true pleasure instead of closing her eyes and making a face. It’s not that she doesn’t like the taste, it is the mere sight of something GREEN in the drink that forces her to rebel and make noises as if she were dying. You would think I was forcing her to drink poison. LOL

Today, she was sitting on the couch so as I handed her the drink I headed back into the kitchen for cleanup. Within about a minute I heard the dreaded thunk sound and then, “uh,oh!” I didn’t know whether to turn around or keep heading out the door because I knew when I looked back I was going to see that a giant green bomb had exploded all over my area rug. In that moment, I felt frozen because a flood of feeling was taking over.

A scream was just about to break free of my mouth and suddenly, in a flash, I caught it. As I walked over to the rug it was covered in green. Boy, did I have to work with myself, in that moment. I breathed, I immediately got cloths, and I told my daughter we were both ok and it was just an accident. She kept apologizing and ran to get more cloths. In that moment, I saw my tendency to make it worse than it was, think that it was ruined forever and want to give up.

Instead, I used the moment to shift my energy toward what I did want. I wanted a clean rug, a happy daughter, to be ok with “what is”. As my energy shifted, so did my daughter’s. We realized the green goo had even flown under the couch. She suggested that while we were cleaning how about re-arranging the room. She wanted to see what the couch looked like across the room.

Next thing I know, we were involved in cleaning the rug, moving the furniture and having a great time doing it together. While we were at it, we decided to clean the whole room so the new arrangement would look better.

When we finished I told her how cool it was that a huge green bomb and a perceived mistake could turn into such a great experience. At that point she told me that she had been wanting to move that couch for a long time but had never told me. Then we both laughed and decided next time it might be easier to speak up than to drop a green bomb to get my attention.

This was a perfect example of going with the flow, instead of leaning into the resistance, which part of me really wanted to do. Guiding myself out of the choppy water allowed her to find her flow and we rode the wave together.

Practice: When your child makes a BIG mistake and you find yourself resisting “what is” and wanting it to be different, see if you can pause, slow down and embrace “what is”. Stay connected with your present moment experience and see where it leads you.

Tags: ,

If Only I Was Perfect

March 25th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 1 Comment

If only I was perfect, I’d always know the right thing to do. If only I was perfect, I’d say the right thing and be able to protect my daughter from all pain. If only I was perfect, I’d be the perfect mom and have the perfect kid! WRONG!

When I step into perfection thinking, I’ve stepped out of present moment loving.

I waited until I was 44 to become a Mom. One of the reasons I waited so long was because I was so afraid of not being perfect. I knew, in my mind, how I wanted to raise my children and yet whenever I began taking steps to make this a reality, all my doubts and fears rose up. What if I screwed them up? What if I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be? Could I really deal with the realities of being a parent? It was much easier to fantasize my role as a parent instead of stepping into it full blown.

Fortunately, my intense mama desire won out and I adopted my daughter. Instead of having the perfect pregnancy, the perfect birth and the perfect first 9 months of me taking care of all her needs, I was matched with a 9 month old child, 12 lbs. 10 ozs., malnourished and desperate for love. Instead of golden blonde hair and baby blue eyes she had intense penetrating black eyes and jet black hair. She was PERFECT! And so was I. We were the perfect match for each other.

Sometimes, as parents, things turn out different than we imagined and yet we must remember that it is all perfect. All the things I have learned, and embraced over the last 11 years have been perfect. I haven’t been able to control all the externals and yet I’ve learned to go internal to find stillness and my intuition in how to be with my daughter in the present. Often I feel inadequate, to protect her from pain, and yet when I return to my sweet embrace its always perfect. I’ve heard myself yelling and felt shame and guilt and yet I always return to love, expanded in my capacity to love myself and her, it has been perfect.

I’ve never experienced myself, so fully, the light and dark sides and I’m grateful that I’m not striving for perfection. I’m taking each day as a gift, the joys and the challenges. I chose to be a MOM! So, I choose to embrace all that it awakens in me. So can you!

Practice: Morning Mama/Daddy Practice: As I awaken I love myself as a Mama/Dad. This is a new day and I smile knowing each day is a new beginning. I embrace each of my children for who they are and all they will bring to me, this day, both challenges and joys.

Tags: , , ,

It Looks Different Than I Thought It Would Look

February 5th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

As my daughter grows and expands her circle of friends and influence, I feel less connected. When I become aware the connection is shifting a part of me begins to panic. As I feel this panic rising up, ready to grab me, I start scrambling to re-connect with my daughter. The problem is that I try to connect in the old ways and when she doesn’t respond I start feeling like I must be doing something “wrong”. This feeling only exacerbates my fear and I start getting needy and desperate for her to connect instead of connecting with myself and my fear. No matter what I offer, to her, from this place she politely says, no! Back to the drawing board…..

When I deeply penetrate, the fear inside, I can see it has nothing to do with the connection with my daughter. It has to do with the shifting connection with me. I’ve been there for her 24/7, for 10 years now, and things are shifting for me also. I’m beginning to expand my circle of friends and influence and it feels great! It doesn’t mean that I have less LOVE to give my daughter. It does mean less one on one time together but the real truth is I have even more to give. As I return to a deeper holding, of myself, I expand my capacity to hold her. The paradox is that even though we have less physical time together, we are experiencing a deeper love than I thought possible.

When I let go of my guilt, shame or any idea of how it is supposed to look, and tap into the feeling, I experience peace and joy. We are growing up together. What a miracle.

Practice: If you are feeling less connection, than you desire, with your child take time to see what is truly going on inside. How is your connection with you and your truth? If you feel guilt or shame, connect with those feelings and see what is underneath. Keep dropping under the feelings, connecting with the deeper love that always exist.

Tags: , , ,

Food, Food, Food

September 23rd, 2010 Parenting Advice 1 Comment

Kim, on my Facebook fan page, asked me, “how do I get my son to eat healthier and more of a variety? ” Thanks, Kim…I love this topic for I hear about food issues a lot.

First, remember that the main food that children need is a loving connection. They have proven that babies who don’t receive warmth and touch fail to thrive. So, we can be sure that the base line food for our kids is our warmth and openness.

My daughter is very particular about what she will eat and what she won’t. Now, I am one of those mamas that live in Boulder, CO. We are super conscious and eating healthy food is at the top of the list. You can’t believe how much time mamas spend making healthy food for their kids. So, I jumped on the bandwagon and began trying to get my daughter to eat “green” food.

Well, let me tell you the battleground was a fierce one. The only way I could get her to eat “green” food was to withdraw the main food she needed, my loving connection. I found myself bargaining, threatening, and withholding my approval, all in the name of getting her to eat “green” food. On the one hand, my mind told me I had to get “green” food into her body (isn’t that what I learned?). On the other hand to get her to eat it I had to harden my heart and force her to eat . What a contradiction!

Now, I’m not saying not to offer healthy food. What I learned was to remember that the number one food was our connection and if I had to forsake this to get her to eat what I wanted her to eat it was not worth it. I learned and continue to believe that when I feed her the base line food, open loving connection, she finds a taste for healthy foods on her terms. It always proves to be true, in our house.

She is the one who asks for salad, when she is ready. She is the one who has become curious about food and how it supports her body. Now I get to follow the lead.

We were able to make an agreement that she would take a green vitamin and a fish oil pill until she is ready to eat more varieties of food. This way I get to relax and she can find her own timing.

Practice: When you find yourself wanting to force your child to eat healthy food ask yourself if you are having to be overly firm to get them to eat. If so, just notice, and see if you can open back up to giving them the main course, which is a loving connection! Keep eating healthy yourself, question your agenda and stay light! See what happens.

Tags: , , , ,

You Are So Annoying

September 13th, 2010 Parenting Advice No comments

OMG! It has finally happened! I AM ANNOYING! Now, the funniest part is I was talking with another parent about her son being annoying and how hard it is to be the annoying one. That night, in her sleep, my daughter yells out, “You are so annoying.” I told my client the next day that I’m even annoying in my sleep! Too funny!

I can see how hard it is for my daughter to begin the separation process. Since it is only the two of us, she has been dependent on me for everything. Now that she is starting to find her way and is experiencing differences in how we are the only way she can separate is to find me annoying. I know all this in my head and when I’m in a great place I actually enjoy my role as the annoying mom.

On the other hand, it is painful to feel the separation happening and sometimes I take it personally. When this happens, I know it is about me and try my hardest to take care of myself and not ask my daughter to. When I’m able to model healthy separation, I’m showing her how she can too.

Practice: When your kids tell you how annoying you are, see if you can do your best not to take it personally. Remember when your parents were so annoying? This too shall pass!

Tags: , ,

I want what I want

August 22nd, 2010 Parenting Advice No comments

When our children ask for what they want they are exercising the “I want” muscle. This is the beginning of dreaming and opening to the limitless possibilities available to them in our abundant world.

I like to ask parents, “who took them into Toys-R-Us the first time?” Can you imagine being 2 years old and walking in thinking this whole store is for me? They practically run down the aisles ecstatic, grabbing everything they see. At first it is cute so we let them pick out an item, but then they look down the next aisle and want another and another and another. Soon we hear ourselves saying “no, then no you want too much, then finally, if you ask for another thing, I’m going to put everything back.”

I know my daughter’s voracious wanting began to bring up all the times I didn’t get what I wanted. I was told, many times, how selfish I was for wanting so much. So, somewhere in me, I felt I had to teach her to shut down her wanting. Fortunately, I realized how innocent her wanting was and began to support it, even if I couldn’t always fill the desire. I want her to ask and to know that she can have her desires fulfilled. I’ll do all that I can to support her in making them happen, even when I can’t be the one funding them.

Practice: Today, notice what happens, inside you, when you feel your child wants too much. Notice if you inadvertently try to teach her to want less. Try opening, allowing her to want, without thinking you have to be the one to fill those desires.

Tags: , , ,

The Grip

August 12th, 2010 Parenting Advice 2 Comments

Last night, my daughter came into my room and told me her finger was swollen. I took a look and sure enough she had a bite next to her knuckle and her finger was swelling to about twice the size. As I looked up and saw her face, the right side of her cheek looked like it was stuffed with a little ball. There were 2 more tiny bites on the right cheek, one on her forehead and another on her left cheek, all swelling.

She tried to bend her finger and it hurt. Now, my daughter is extremely healthy and has experienced very little physical pain or symptoms in her body. I could see the fear in her eyes and as I touched the finger she broke down and started crying and acting like she was dying. I GRIPPED! As I did, my mind took a dive…..”was it really hurting that bad, was it a poisonous spider bite and her finger was going to fall off, (I know a little dramatic, but welcome to my grip), should I take her to the emergency room, what if she died in the night and I didn’t make the right choice, or what if I took her to the emergency room and $1000 later they tell me to take her home and put ice on it.” I was in that damned if you do and damned if you don’t place. I was truly gripped.

Now, I spend most of my life working with parents in bringing awareness to their “grip” then taking the time to breathe and relax around it. Practice 101! Oh, how I love to practice, because when I was able to slow down, put my oxygen mask on first, I was able to turn toward my sweet terrified girl and together we found our way! One step at a time.

Practice: When you feel your body gripping, over a behavior or when you don’t know what to do, see if you can focus your attention toward relaxing your grip instead of trying to control your external environment. It only takes a moment, to tell yourself, “I’m here for you.” You’ll be glad you did.

Tags: , ,