Tag Archive: love

What Now?

July 19th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

Have you read countless parenting books on how to GET your child to behave.  Have you been taught how to control her, how to manipulate her to do what you think is best all in the name of being a good parent.  She needs limits, she needs boundaries, she needs to hear NO…you’ve heard so much about what you need to do to her but what about you?

Where are you in the picture?

I remember feeling this way when I first started my parenting journey.   No matter how hard I tried to follow the parenting suggestions, I would find myself yelling, controlling, using rewards and punishment and then feeling guilt and shame for losing my connection with my daughter.  I was as sincere as they come.  I would have done anything, and I have, to create a loving home filled with harmony and grace.

When I finally realized that I was the one who was struggling and turned the light back on my behavior things began to drastically change.  I began to notice that my daughter was fine as long as I was fine.  I noticed that when I was stressed and impatient she got stressed and defiant. ( mirror neurons)

Over time I became aware of how important my regulation was for her.  Instead of trying to control her behavior I began to really take notice of what was going on inside me.  Shifting the focus from external to internal took time.  I thought I was supposed to focus on her but what I forgot is that my perception was all about me.  Until I could see clearly what was happening in me I couldn’t really see what was happening in her.

Learning to sit with my discomfort, own my feelings and really find my sanctuary inside was critical and it was hard to find.  I’d been trained to believe that she was the cause of my discomfort and being a “good” parent meant controlling her.  All the books said so!  Actually, it is the opposite.  Your discomfort is yours and you have the power and presence to be with YOU!

Once you have moved back into a place of peace then you can truly see your child and the innocence of their behavior.  Then you can offer understanding, love and connection.  It is amazing to see how quickly a negative behavior will vanish in the face of love!

Step to follow when feeling discomfort:

  • Recognize the feeling is inside you and know your child is not the cause
  • Turn your focus internal instead of outward
  • Take a deep breath and ignore the behavior unless danger is involved
  • Put your hand on your heart
  • Love what is going on inside you
  • Soothe, soothe, soothe
  • Once regulated then make a loving connection with your child

 

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I’m Just Trying To Take Care Of Myself

July 4th, 2011 Parenting Advice 5 Comments

Last week I traveled to Mississippi, where I grew up, to spend the weekend with family.  When I enter into this space, I’m always struck by how easily I regress into my childhood stance.  Being aware of this, my senses were heightened and I made a mental note to be kind to myself along with all the players in my family drama.

On the plane I could feel the tension arising and had to consciously work with myself to breathe and open to a new possibility arising.  Every time I caught myself getting tight with my daughter, I would remind myself and her that I was feeling stressed about going home.  Just speaking the truth, easily returned me to the present moment and how much pleasure I was experiencing traveling with my girl.

With my awareness attuned, while watching myself closely,  I was able to stay open and present.  I was actually enjoying my time, basking in the joy of seeing how comfortable and confident my daughter was with my family.  All was going well until my mother made an innocent comment that triggered an old familiar response.  It only took a split second for my armor to engage and I immediately shot back a deflecting comment.  This gave me enough space to instantly bring in all my defenses and to withdraw my energy and get as small as possible.  As I peeked out of my safe space I re-enforced my position by judging and seeing my mom from an old lens.  As painful as it was, I was just trying to take care of myself.

Later, as I went to bed, I began to feel guilt and shame for shutting her out and began to beat myself up for not being more loving or kind.  The cycle was in full force.  Fortunately, I was able to slowly pull the lens back and got enough distance from the past to hold myself in the present.  With hand on heart, I was able to love the part of me that was doing all she could to take care of herself.  I was able to thank her for doing her best for I knew she was trying to protect my innocent nature.  I truly felt gratitude for this young part of myself that was just trying to take care of me.  As I soothed her and held her in love she began to soften, open and amazingly a deep full rich compassion arose for my mother.

With this new found depth of holding I was able to offer the same compassion to my daughter the next night.  She was feeling overwhelmed and needed some space.  When she gets this way she can get hard and cold and others experience her as mean.  I was able to see that she was just trying to take care of herself the only way she knew how.  As I sat with her, letting her know how beautiful she was and how I could see she was doing the best she could to take space she began to weep.  As she softened into my arms, we both felt held and the tenderness was beyond words.  We fell into the loving arms of a greater source and as we did our hearts opened allowing us to return to our family filled with love and joy.  What a miracle!

Practice:  Remember, we can only give our children what we are willing to give ourselves.  When you feel yourself moving into guilt or shame for how you have acted, see if you can place your hand on your heart and love the part of you that is trying to protect your innocence.  Give her the love she needs.  As you do, you will find a place inside that will see your child as trying to take care of herself instead of acting mean, or whatever you may see otherwise.  Offer her your loving heart and see what happens.

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Purejoy Parenting: Ouch! My toe hurts

June 2nd, 2011 Joy Based Parenting, Parenting Advice 4 Comments

Yesterday,  as I was getting ready I put my foot into my pants.  As my foot traveled down the leg of the pant my toenail caught on a thread.  When my foot came out the other end my toenail had pulled almost completely off.  I know, I know, you can gag now!

When I looked down I almost fainted as I felt the excruciating pain flood through my body.  It looked worse than it was but triggered all kinds of stories, rising up from the bottom of my memory bank.  Some of the crazy thoughts that ran through my head were “I can’t trust life.  Just when I’m feeling on top of the world something BAD happens,”  “It’s all my fault, I should have clipped my toenails”, ” I have to keep it together because no one will be there to help.”  Flashes, feelings, memories came rushing in.

My daughter just sat there doing nothing.  She mentioned that I might want to get the first aid kit but she didn’t run down the stairs, administer to my wounds and hold me in my fear.  Darnit!  Hadn’t I taught her this was her job?  (Now remember, in the paragraph above I mentioned that I had to keep it together and no one would be there to help?”)  Here I was reliving my old, old, story and she was playing the PERFECT part.

Inside I was screaming and yet outside I looked like the cool, calm collective mom that she knows so well.  As I sucked it up and went downstairs to get a band aid she walked right by me and got something to eat.  Well, I lost it…I NEEDED her to have compassion, I NEEDED her to administer to my wound, I was outraged and said, “I guess I can just get my own band aid.”

This triggered her and she slammed the kitchen counter and started stomping up the stairs.  CUT!  OK, this scene was clearly not working.  It was playing out just like it had when I was young but this wasn’t my mother ignoring me, this was my precious daughter who I had cast in the evil role.

As I gathered myself I said, “Stop, come here.”  Hesitantly she came over…I took her in my arms and said, “Honey, I’m hurt and I’m scared but I know you love me and its really hard for me to let you in right now.”  She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, “yeh, mom I don’t know what to do when you are hurt because I get so scared.”  Whoa…in that moment all my pain subsided because I had reached out and made a connection with my daughter.

As I opened to her love, she got the first aid kit and lovingly dressed my toe.  I was able to let her shower me with kindness which is innate in her when she is not scared.  Even in this painful moment, as I opened to connection, instead of acting out my old wounded past, I was soothed. I was touched and together we found our way through.  What a gift!

PRACTICE: Remember when you are playing out an old story you might cast your child in a role, leaving the present moment and reliving the past.  Slowing down expressing what you are feeling and saying “I know you love me” will return you to the present moment.  This will allow you to move back into relationship, with your child, instead of your story!

 

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If Only I Was Perfect

March 25th, 2011 Parenting Advice, Single Parenting 1 Comment

If only I was perfect, I’d always know the right thing to do. If only I was perfect, I’d say the right thing and be able to protect my daughter from all pain. If only I was perfect, I’d be the perfect mom and have the perfect kid! WRONG!

When I step into perfection thinking, I’ve stepped out of present moment loving.

I waited until I was 44 to become a Mom. One of the reasons I waited so long was because I was so afraid of not being perfect. I knew, in my mind, how I wanted to raise my children and yet whenever I began taking steps to make this a reality, all my doubts and fears rose up. What if I screwed them up? What if I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be? Could I really deal with the realities of being a parent? It was much easier to fantasize my role as a parent instead of stepping into it full blown.

Fortunately, my intense mama desire won out and I adopted my daughter. Instead of having the perfect pregnancy, the perfect birth and the perfect first 9 months of me taking care of all her needs, I was matched with a 9 month old child, 12 lbs. 10 ozs., malnourished and desperate for love. Instead of golden blonde hair and baby blue eyes she had intense penetrating black eyes and jet black hair. She was PERFECT! And so was I. We were the perfect match for each other.

Sometimes, as parents, things turn out different than we imagined and yet we must remember that it is all perfect. All the things I have learned, and embraced over the last 11 years have been perfect. I haven’t been able to control all the externals and yet I’ve learned to go internal to find stillness and my intuition in how to be with my daughter in the present. Often I feel inadequate, to protect her from pain, and yet when I return to my sweet embrace its always perfect. I’ve heard myself yelling and felt shame and guilt and yet I always return to love, expanded in my capacity to love myself and her, it has been perfect.

I’ve never experienced myself, so fully, the light and dark sides and I’m grateful that I’m not striving for perfection. I’m taking each day as a gift, the joys and the challenges. I chose to be a MOM! So, I choose to embrace all that it awakens in me. So can you!

Practice: Morning Mama/Daddy Practice: As I awaken I love myself as a Mama/Dad. This is a new day and I smile knowing each day is a new beginning. I embrace each of my children for who they are and all they will bring to me, this day, both challenges and joys.

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It Looks Different Than I Thought It Would Look

February 5th, 2011 Parenting Advice 3 Comments

As my daughter grows and expands her circle of friends and influence, I feel less connected. When I become aware the connection is shifting a part of me begins to panic. As I feel this panic rising up, ready to grab me, I start scrambling to re-connect with my daughter. The problem is that I try to connect in the old ways and when she doesn’t respond I start feeling like I must be doing something “wrong”. This feeling only exacerbates my fear and I start getting needy and desperate for her to connect instead of connecting with myself and my fear. No matter what I offer, to her, from this place she politely says, no! Back to the drawing board…..

When I deeply penetrate, the fear inside, I can see it has nothing to do with the connection with my daughter. It has to do with the shifting connection with me. I’ve been there for her 24/7, for 10 years now, and things are shifting for me also. I’m beginning to expand my circle of friends and influence and it feels great! It doesn’t mean that I have less LOVE to give my daughter. It does mean less one on one time together but the real truth is I have even more to give. As I return to a deeper holding, of myself, I expand my capacity to hold her. The paradox is that even though we have less physical time together, we are experiencing a deeper love than I thought possible.

When I let go of my guilt, shame or any idea of how it is supposed to look, and tap into the feeling, I experience peace and joy. We are growing up together. What a miracle.

Practice: If you are feeling less connection, than you desire, with your child take time to see what is truly going on inside. How is your connection with you and your truth? If you feel guilt or shame, connect with those feelings and see what is underneath. Keep dropping under the feelings, connecting with the deeper love that always exist.

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Food, Food, Food

September 23rd, 2010 Parenting Advice 1 Comment

Kim, on my Facebook fan page, asked me, “how do I get my son to eat healthier and more of a variety? ” Thanks, Kim…I love this topic for I hear about food issues a lot.

First, remember that the main food that children need is a loving connection. They have proven that babies who don’t receive warmth and touch fail to thrive. So, we can be sure that the base line food for our kids is our warmth and openness.

My daughter is very particular about what she will eat and what she won’t. Now, I am one of those mamas that live in Boulder, CO. We are super conscious and eating healthy food is at the top of the list. You can’t believe how much time mamas spend making healthy food for their kids. So, I jumped on the bandwagon and began trying to get my daughter to eat “green” food.

Well, let me tell you the battleground was a fierce one. The only way I could get her to eat “green” food was to withdraw the main food she needed, my loving connection. I found myself bargaining, threatening, and withholding my approval, all in the name of getting her to eat “green” food. On the one hand, my mind told me I had to get “green” food into her body (isn’t that what I learned?). On the other hand to get her to eat it I had to harden my heart and force her to eat . What a contradiction!

Now, I’m not saying not to offer healthy food. What I learned was to remember that the number one food was our connection and if I had to forsake this to get her to eat what I wanted her to eat it was not worth it. I learned and continue to believe that when I feed her the base line food, open loving connection, she finds a taste for healthy foods on her terms. It always proves to be true, in our house.

She is the one who asks for salad, when she is ready. She is the one who has become curious about food and how it supports her body. Now I get to follow the lead.

We were able to make an agreement that she would take a green vitamin and a fish oil pill until she is ready to eat more varieties of food. This way I get to relax and she can find her own timing.

Practice: When you find yourself wanting to force your child to eat healthy food ask yourself if you are having to be overly firm to get them to eat. If so, just notice, and see if you can open back up to giving them the main course, which is a loving connection! Keep eating healthy yourself, question your agenda and stay light! See what happens.

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It’s Not About The Money

August 10th, 2010 Parenting Advice, Unconditional Love 1 Comment

Imparting values, to my daughter, can be tricky business. Often I see the discrepancies about what I say I believe is valuable and what I truly live. I am a firm believer, in theory, of only doing what you love for money. I strive to live out of the saying, “follow your bliss and the money will come.” I’ve often expressed this to my daughter and today I got a challenge to see if this is true.

My daughter is excited about saving her money for an ipad. She was offered a job, working with my neighbor, in his garden which she loves. He told me he’s never seen a kid who loves gardening as much as she does. She comes home, everyday with a smile on her face and some money in her pocket. She is so thrilled that she asked to start a savings account and can hardly wait until her new deposit slips come.

Well, sure enough, I got excited with her and started thinking of all the ways she could make money! Now, remember I’m the one who has told her to do what she loves and the money will come. When a friend asked her to babysit, she said “NO” because she didn’t enjoy it. Then when the neighbor asked her if she wanted to take out his trash and re-cycling (we live in co-housing so she would have to carry it a ways) for $5, she politely said “NO”.

Now before I knew it I heard myself saying, “I thought you wanted money for an ipad?” Then I saw my neighbor and he said, “I was offering her $5 for 20 minutes of work”. The light bulb went on and I looked at him and said, “yes, but she would be doing it only for the money. I’ve taught her to do what she loves and the money will come.” He turned toward me and said, “yea, I still haven’t gotten that one.” I thought to myself, maybe I haven’t either.

Practice: Think about a value you have that you want to impart to your child. See if your actions actually support this value or if you are only giving it lip service. Have fun with this one and maybe, like me, you might enjoy following your own advice.

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Receiving the gift

August 8th, 2010 Parenting Advice No comments

Being a parent can sometimes be demanding and require us to give more than we receive.
Getting stuck in thinking we are only giving can keep us from receiving the gifts our child has to offer.

When I think it is up to me, to keep all the balls in the air, I forget to stop and receive all my daughter has to give. I can focus on how demanding she is and how much I do for her. Slowing down and moving into a more receptive mode, I begin to open to the gifts she is so generously sharing with me.

Today, we worked hard on cleaning up her room. Now from my giving voice, I could tell you I was the only one giving. Most of the time she was just playing and watching. When I open to the receiving voice I will tell you how sweet it was to be with her, how her joy and enthusiasm filled me with delight and how grateful I am she still lets me in her room.

She just walked up the stairs and said, “I love my room.” Ahhhhhhh!

Practice: Today, write down all the gifts your child or children bring you. See even the difficult aspects they offer, in a new light. Remember, our children are always offering us their love, even when we can’t see it as such.

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